Is it this simple?

I want/need to eat more than I want to lose weight/be healthier.

Right now I just can’t see any other explanation.

How to really live ?

I sometimes feel like I’m not really living. Like I’m waiting for my real life to start or something. I’m pretty sure there is some small part of my brain which “knows” that my life will be so much better when I lose that extra weight. Before anyone starts shouting at me let me state that there is also a very large part of my brain that knows this is not true and is indeed a steaming pile of crap. That doesn’t stop me subconsciously living like that sometimes though. Ah isn’t it ironic that the very amazing complexity of our bodies and brains is the very thing that can make life so hard for us at times?!

If we ever have a baby (and it is something that’s we’ve shockingly come around to the idea of!) it petrifies me that I might pass on my crap to an unsuspecting, innocent little child that looks to me for knowledge, advice and example. Logically I know that I shouldn’t worry. I know I won’t be a perfect parent because it’s an unattainable goal and as a child who wants a perfect parent to live up to anyway! I know too that lots of things outside of my control will have an impact too. All that being said I would still HATE to pass on my food/body image/confidence issues to our currently non-existent child. I don’t half like putting pressure on myself eh !?!?

Anyway back to the “feeling like I’m not really living” thing. I think it’s because I feel so tired these days and so stuck. I don’t feel like I’m growing I guess. I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I suppose I’m looking for a solution but I don’t really know what the problem is. Focusing on just the food and energy side of things my hubby heard an interview with the author of this book on the radio a few weeks back and felt that it sounded like something that could apply to me. He doesn’t usually go in for that kind of stuff so it surprised me that he even suggested it. I’ve looked at the site but restrained myself from buying the book so far as I have countless self-help and dieting books at home that were all going to “fix” me but of course didn’t. Some I haven’t even read fully let alone do what they said. It’s as if I think just buying the book is enough!!! On the face of it this last one makes some sense and I do certainly identify with some of the symptoms but then I think sometimes we can all identify with symptoms if we want to badly enough. It’s also seems to be a diet book and I know dieting is not a solution. Of course changing how I eat long term is what I want so maybe it could fit this bill? On the surface it also seems like another low carb approach and the one thing I can say for definite is that too much carbs and me don’t get along! But then restricting any one food group is not a great plan either.

So I guess I’m asking the few of you out there that read my ickle blog what you think? Does the book/theory look like a pile of crap? Am I just looking for the quick fix or does any of what this women is saying make sense? Be gentle with me though !!!

Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you’re going to do about it. ~ Kathleen Casey Theisen

Finding my way…. yet again.

I apologise in advance if I’m beginning to sound like a broken record.

I’ve been a bit absent lately and I wish I had a good excuse but really I don’t. I’ve felt myself slipping back to old habits a lot this past week and I’m feeling sluggish, bloated and downright flabby as a result. I badly need to reassess what I’m doing, what I want to achieve and how I’m going to achieve it. To that end I have some news. I’ve broken up with my personal trainer…. well he thinks we’re just on a break but I’m pretty sure it’s over for good. It sounds a bit dramatic but that’s really how it feels. I just couldn’t justify the cost any more. I really liked it and I got a lot from it. I’m definitely stronger, fitter and more toned. I think it even improved my confidence. In the beginning I lost some weight and and I haven’t put that back on. For months now though I’ve been on that frustrating 1lb down, 1 lb up rollercoaster that just goes nowhere.

I exercise plenty so I know that food is the problem but I battle so much with the “I want to lose weight but I also want some treats now and then” thoughts. I know it’s possible to do both theoretically but in reality I can’t seem to just have treats now and then. It starts out ok and then slowly becomes daily treats which progresses to me eating crap 90% of the time! It’s head-wrecking. I’m starting to really believe that too much information is absolutely a bad thing! My head swirls with different concepts, suggestions and advice. On the one hand I know that restricting any food groups isn’t a good idea because it’s unrealistic and generally makes you long for that restricted item all the more. On the other hand refined carbs make me feel bloated and crappy and makes me just want to eat and eat and eat. In another corner of my brain I hear “just work on the emotional side of things and don’t worry about the food, it will work itself out in the end” but I don’t want to gain 10/20/30 lbs while I try to solve my emotional issues. I know too that I need to “love” and “accept” myself the way I am but again that is so much easier said than done. It’s not like I hate myself or my body! Do I think I have faults? Of course. Do I have faults? Absolutely. Do I probably see them as worse than they are? Definitely. Surely all that is just part of being human? Why do I need to fight it so much?

That’s only a small percentage of the information and probably mis-information that is sloshing around in my head and you know what? All it’s doing is giving me a thundering headache! Somehow I need to work out a plan or system or simply a way of living that works for me. I need to work on being happy AND healthy. I need to go way back to basics. I probably even need to work out what those basics are.

To start with I’m setting myself some general goals. Firstly in relation to exercise. Now that the personal training has ended I need to make sure I don’t lose that fitness I’ve gained over the last year. I’ve joined a local gym for a very good price so I have to make good use of it. To keep me to focused I need an exercise goal which is going to be a 10km run in May! The one potential obstacle to this may be my shins but I’ll hobble across that bridge if/when I come to it. I intend to start training for this 3 times weekly, starting properly next week but getting warmed up into it this week. I will do weight training on those days too. Any exercise outside of that will be considered as a bonus and will be for pure and simple enjoyment – not that I won’t enjoy my 3 days at the gym.

So that’s exercise, now on to food. This of course is the tricky bit. I know “dieting” doesn’t work and I certainly want to develop healthy eating habits that last a lifetime. For all my frustrations and whinging many of my eating habits are quite good. I make a large percentage of my meals from scratch and I eat plenty of veg and some fruit most days. So my problem areas are carbs and rubbish – chocolate etc. I don’t think cutting out carbs completely is a good plan even though I know it works. So I’m thinking moderate portions of wholegrain carbs with breakfast and lunch should be ok. From lunch on though I’m thinking carbs like bread, potato, rice and pasta should be avoided as much as possible.

I’m also pondering limiting things like chocolate, cake, biscuits, diet coke, chips etc to special occasions which I define as eating out for dinner or lunch, not going to the canteen at work of course but you know when you meet a friend for dinner or lunch now and then or go to dinner with the hubby or attend a special event like a birthday party. I don’t do this too much so I think it’s way for me to have a little of what I like at times but not too regularly because generally I just can’t handle having that stuff too often. Now the whole food plans are still in development. I’m probably already complicating things too much but I need to put ideas out there to keep me thinking and keep me honest I guess.

50 things I like about me – part 1

A blogland friend is the inspiration for this one. Low self-esteem is most definitely a problem for me so taking the time to find 50 things I like about myself will be challenging but rewarding also I’m sure. I’m really not sure I can make 50 but I guess I’ll just start and see how it goes!

So here are 50 things I like about myself…..

1. My sense of humour
2. My brain
3. My ability to learn about myself and use the information to grow as a person
4. My long eye lashes
5. that my body and my curves are well proportioned
6. My height
7. I’m quite open-minded
8. I’m a loyal and trustworthy friend
9. I’m friendly
10. I’m generous
11. I’m fit
12. I can read very quickly
13. I’m good at spelling
14.I’m good at parallel parking
15. I’m sarcastic
16. I’m good at cooking
17. I’m good at painting (the wall kind not the picture kind!)
18. I’m not afraid to meet new people
19. I’m not afraid to try new things on my own
20. I’m quite independent – same as 19 ?!
21. I’m a hard worker – when I get going!
22. I have great boobs :p
23. I’m empathetic
24. Day by day I’m getting stronger in an emotional and physical way.
25. I’m not a stereotypical female. I feel I should expand on this. Of course there’s nothing wrong with being a girly girl but that’s not me. I get on well with male friends and colleagues (sometimes better than with women) and I don’t get all offended by the way men can talk about things sometimes (and often join in!). I also have no problem with my husband leaving the toilet seat up! Well fair is fair, I don’t put it up after I used it so why should he have to put it down!!? That’s not to say of course that I don’t like to get dressed up from time to time, in heels, a nice dress and plenty of make-up!

Phew that was hard so I’m going to leave it at 25 and I will try to do another 25 some day….. the first 25 was a stretch so I really don’t know how I’ll manage the rest! It’s been fun though I have to say. Some things on the list probably seem odd but it’s what I like about me so anything goes right! (that’s me being independent!)

Reverting to form?

As January marches on I also continue my efforts to return to healthy eating and regular exercise following the Christmas break. Sickness and bad weather haven’t helped however. It was just a cold but I knew I needed to give myself time to recover from it and that meant cutting out the exercise for a few days at the very least. I did finally make it to a session with my personal trainer and faced the dreaded post-christmas weigh-in! I was 2 lbs up from my last weigh-in which must have been 4/5 week previous and which is quite ok with me. Would I prefer not to gain at all? Of course!!!! Is that realistic? Um…. NO!

My eating has been good and bad this past fortnight. The emotional binge eating part of me has surfaced a lot and I’m not really sure why. Insecurity at work is a big part of it I think, not in a “I might lose my job” kind of way but more in a “I don’t have the skills, intelligence or interest to be here” kind of way. More and more I feel lost there. More and more I also see myself in a harsher way and seem to find little but fault with myself. I guess others always seemed to be the problem before but now I’m wondering if maybe it’s me that’s the problem. I’ve no clue how to fix it though and leaving is just not an option in this economic climate. Plus I have no notion what else I could or would want to do! I feel trapped by the whole situation. Of course eating isn’t going to solve the problem is it! Knowing that doesn’t stop me however. I know too that so many people have no job so I should be very appreciative of mine and I am but I’m also very unhappy in it at the same time.

Creatures of habit

For all the leaps and bounds I feel I’ve made in the last year towards improving my fitness and embracing healthier eating I still found myself, over the past week, falling into the “I’ll start again on Monday” trap. Now to be fair to myself I didn’t totally stop in the first place. Yes I indulged over the Christmas hols but I didn’t go completely crazy. I also, much more importantly I think, did not feel bad about eating crap. I just went with it and tried to at least make sure I ate the crap that I really like instead of every single piece of crap that was within reach which is what would have happened in previous years.

Yet for all that progress today my brain reverted to “today is your new start, today you must eat perfectly” which lasted till just past lunch time when I dived into some leftover Christmas chocs at work. The guilt then start to creep in and the voice in my head began… “lets just start tomorrow and eat whatever rubbish you want today”. Thankfully I didn’t totally give in to it and I also think that by writing about this here and acknowledging these feelings that I’m dealing with the situation and not letting it develop. I need to be realistic. The food remnants and habits of the holidays will be around for a while yet. Yes I need to get back on track but it’s not an on/off switch. I need to be sensible and kind to myself. I need to focus more on adding the good habits back in rather than trying to instantly erase the bad ones. I need to take it one choice at a time. I need to relax about it all and just let it happen rather than demanding it to happen right now, this minute.

So for starters tonight I will go to bed early, do my stretches before bed and tomorrow I will drink more water and be nice to myself.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Another year over?! Really!!? Crap.

Ok so I don’t really, truly think “crap” about the passing of yet another year. Well maybe I do a little bit as I think of time marching on, age creeping up, wrinkles increasing and so on but hey I guess that’s life and it might be about time that I just accepted life’s warped sense of humour!

I haven’t blogged in a while. I haven’t done much else either really apart from eat and get high on diet coke and chocolate!! Yes my self inflicted prohibition of diet coke and chocolate ended on Christmas day. Happy Christmas to me!

Did I over-indulge this Christmas? Hell ya!!! Did I enjoy it? Some of it but no not all of it though I did make mental notes about what I didn’t enjoy and tried not to repeat the mistake. That alone for me is progress. Have I gained weight? I don’t know for sure as my scale is staying in the attic hopefully for ever and my personal trainer hasn’t weighed me yet but I’m sure I have gained some weight (and most of it on my ass!). That’s ok though, not fabulous but ok. For some reason, even though I am still eating like a fool, I feel like this coming new year will see me achieving my weight loss/fitness goals. Maybe it’s just the sugar, caffeine, carbs and booze warping my judgment but there a quiet confidence inside me that leads me to believe I can focus on my goals and truly achieve them in 2010. Maybe not every single one of them, hey I haven’t even defined them all yet and defining goals is surely always a work in progress, still I just feel like I can do what I set out to do.

So I will define some goals soon after some considered thought. For a a small start I’m looking forward to going back to work on Monday and re-establishing some sorely missed routine to my life. I’ve had a wonderful Christmas, a quiet, simple, relaxing one. I’ve recharged my batteries and spent quality time with the people I love. It’s been great but getting back to a routine will be great too. Structure is my friend also and I will be embracing it on Monday after I stop grumbling about having to get up so early and after all the withdrawals from Christmas excesses subside!!!

Happy New Year to one and all! I hope it’s a healthy and happy 2010 for you all!

Christmas note to self

Yes it’s Christmas.

Yes you are going to over-indulge.

BUT

If you only do one thing this Christmas then don’t beat yourself up about it!

AND

If you only do two things then don’t over-indulge just for the sake of it. Eat things that you really, truly love the taste of and that satisfy you!

The holiday season

I’m sitting cosily in front of a roaring fire and enjoying it so much. It’s even nicer around Christmas time, just more special I think. Right now I feel quite full of Christmas spirit but to be honest it’s the first time this holiday season that I have felt that way and I have no idea if it will last. For the last few years I have generally wished that I could skip ahead to January and be done with it. I just find it so stressful at this time of year and I know that’s not what it should be about but I feel powerless to change it. There’s so much has to be done, then there’s all the food around, all the going out, all the money it costs, the time that’s consumed. It’s little wonder that blogging has been far from my mind but yet here I am in front of my lovely fire and for a little while at least feeling more positive about it all. I’m also feeling a bit sleepy so maybe a little Christmas nap is in order!

Weekly update

Oh my word am I in a funk this week. It’s not so much that I am eating badly or not exercising, it’s just that I feel lousy.
I feel grumpy, irritable, tired, sore, stressed, negative and on and on and on…..
All I can seem to focus on is the many, many things I need to do in the run up to Christmas. All I can see around the house is what I haven’t done yet. Work is crappy too and purely because of my lack of self esteem and self confidence. I just want to run away from it all and start again somewhere new. I’d still be me though.

I’m sure I’m just fighting off a cold or something and that the winter blues and Christmas madness is taking it’s toll. Knowing all that doesn’t make me feel any better though.