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Archive for July, 2008

Quick concept

This most likely isn’t a radically new thought to have had but it struck me yesterday, quite randomly, that instead of choosing crap food and choosing food to suffocate my emotions I need to choose me. I need to choose my health and happiness. So hopefully the next time I’m facing a food choice I will choose me (and the healthier option).

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I just love quotes me…. so here are a few more that I think are relevant for my journey.

One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation. ~ Arthur Ashe

You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people are going to treat you better. You’re going to find, yes you will, that you’re beautiful as you feel. ~ Carole King

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Then and now.

I’ve been quiet on the blog for a few days mainly because I didn’t feel like I had a lot to contribute. Not un-coincidently I’ve also been feeling a bit out of control yet again with the food element of my life and I was up 1 pound at my weigh in yesterday but thankfully I’m still loitering in the 13’s – by the skin of my teeth.

I feel like I’m just repeating myself in so many ways… one week good, one week bad, weight lost, weight gained, one step forward, one step back. I know of course things aren’t that bad, that I’m just feeling a bit crappy and that tints my world view. I guess if I’m honest I’m damn angry that the emotional side of all this is so hard!

For me, programs like weight watchers don’t seem to really deal with emotional eating. Maybe they have improved in that sense in the US (I’m in Europe) but here how to really deal with your emotions and how it affects your eating is not part of the program. You are just supposed to think positively and focus on your goals and so on which of course is important but it doesn’t really help the people like me that are basically emotional eaters. I want real coping mechanisms that will help me and my issues.
For people that just need to learn how to eat properly the system is great. I know how to eat properly though and when I’m in the right frame of mind I can do it – like last week. I’m even tempted to stop going to my weekly class/weigh-in because I just don’t think it’s enough for me any more but I’m also scared about how much that I need that weekly weigh-in incentive to keep me motivated. Weighing myself at home just isn’t the same.

I find it hard to even verbalise my thinking on all this. I wish I was a psychologist.
Whatever the scales say I know I’ve come along way (physically & emotionally) from how I was a few years back.

I’ve had a little break from this post and decided to try to list things I know now, that are important to know and be reminded of for me to succeed.

Things (good & bad) that I know now which I didn’t before:

  • That the number on the scales (or on labels!) isn’t important. It’s how I feel in my skin and my clothes and in my head.
  • That eating fresh, unprocessed, healthy foods and being active every day needs to be a part of my lifestyle.
  • That sometimes I need a day off from being healthy & active and that’s ok too.
  • That one dodgy meal or one day of crap eating doesn’t mean I’ve lost my way.
  • That I need to believe in myself and be self-aware.
  • That I need to work on raising my self-esteem and confidence.
  • That I’m too hard on myself sometimes and expect perfection when just trying my best or even 2nd best will do fine. 🙂
  • That I use food as a reward, as a distraction, as an excuse, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m frustrated, when I’m bored, for comfort, for praise, for approval and probably many more reasons that I’m not yet aware of.
  • That I compare myself to other people and think if I’m thinner I will be better, people will find me more likeable, more attractive and that sometimes I need people’s approval/attention to feel good about myself.
  • That 99% of the population cannot just eat what they want and not put on weight. They exercise and watch what they eat or eat healthily & naturally – there’s no big secret.
  • That exercise doesn’t need to be a chore and can make me feel great but I need to use variety to keep me interested.
  • That sometimes I need to put me first and make no excuses for it.

I’m sure there’s lots and lots more I can add here. It’s seems like a good start for now though.

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Battle implies some resistance on my part however, of which there was none. Major, major lesson learned this week (not one that really needed to be learned of course as I know it too bloody well). If it’s in the house I will eat it, ergo do not have it in the house. It meaning any item of food that I cannot resist or that is overly tempting in any way!!!

Aaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggggh. I’m mad at myself for eating them. I also ate stupid G&B Orange dark choc too at work but that’s finished now and will not be bought again unless it’s for a really special occasion or something equally deserving.

I did have a very good food day otherwise and got in some walking/jogging as well.

I’m thinking that I may need to investigate how many calories I should be eating every day to lose weight and sustain exercise. Perhaps foolishly, my current plan is to eat as healthy and naturally as possible but not to count points or calories. With some decent exercise at least 4 to 5 times a week I think this plan can work. Well I know it did last week!

I’m increasingly aware of the need to eat enough though, especially when exercising (the right stuff of course). I’m scared to count points or calories because as I’ve mentioned before I feel it makes me overly focus on food and the more I end up thinking about food the more I end up eating. Maybe a rough idea of calories would be good enough ?! I dunno. Maybe I should just try to stick to my current plan and not worry about it.

Another positive step I feel I made was to get a book on Self-Esteem which was mentioned on Hilary’s blog. I have only read a few pages and I’m already identifying with the low self-esteem issues mentioned so hopefully this book will help me too.

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Another weekend has passed thankfully and my normal weekly routine (i.e. the one I got into last week that worked!) has resumed. The weekend wasn’t too bad. I got in some fierce Nintendo Wii boxing (more like mad flailing around) on Friday night and my arms and shoulders are still a bit sore even today! Food wise I did OK too. I do tend to let go at the weekends cause my routine is out the window but all in all I didn’t go too crazy this time. Today was good too except for after dinner when the rice krispie buns that I made yesterday (my hubby loves em) called to me from the kitchen. I reckon I could be eating worse though and rather than sit here all night thinking about them and arguing internally about having them or not I thought sod it, lets just eat some and be done with it. I hope to get some interval training in tomorrow evening so that might burn some of the extra calories off and I got a decent walk in today too.

I’m thinking the rice krispie buns could be a good weekend treat to have around maybe? Lots of munching in them. Perhaps if I could use a better/sugar free/lower fat chocolate? (if there is such a thing). I have learned my lesson however that making them Sunday night is definitely not a good plan 🙂

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I know all about negative self talk and I’m quite the expert at it too. However I’ve never heard many people talk about negative self-memory much though I’m pretty sure lots more people experience/suffer it too.

What am I on about ? Well let me try to explain.
I tend to have a pretty bad memory at the best of times. I need lists and notes for just about everything. It’s like once I’ve written something down it will stick in my mind even if I don’t have the note with/near me!
I’m not sure why and maybe I’m harder on myself about it than I should be but sometimes I honestly get worried about myself. I have only very vague memories about my childhood. I do have memories of course but I feel like I should be able to remember more.

On the other hand when it comes to recalling situations in my life where I made (or at least felt/perceived I made) a complete idiot of myself….. my god the memories are crystal bloody clear. The least little thing can bring those memories crashing back into my consciousness making me practically relive the situation in all it’s technicolor glory, causing internal and external blushing. Then of course I tell myself what an idiot I am/was for doing/saying whatever it happened to be…. and there’s the negative self-talk to top it off.

So is this something everyone experiences ? I’m sure I’m not the only one.
It just amazes me that I can have such a bad memory for the good stuff and such a good memory for the bad stuff.
It’s not like there was no good stuff. Why is my sub-conscious so hard on me? When did it start? Most importantly how do I stop it?

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So I forgot to mention (until now) a small change that I made this week which I think, no which I know has made a difference.

At work we have two tea breaks, morning & evening, which are generally spent in the canteen. The dreaded canteen is full of food that I just don’t need to be eating, at least not while trying to lose weight and not on a regular basis ever.
Fried breakfast stuff, bread, scones, pastries, chocolate, crisps, ice-cream and the like. It’s not even like the food is that tasty but my resolve tends to fade once I walk in the door and get the smells. Especially when everyone around me seems to be tucking into something that I imagine will taste great but in reality won’t and will sit in a lump in my stomach for the day (tend not to remember that one till after I’ve eaten!).

So this week for break times I’ve only been taking enough money with me to get a drink! It has worked too. I haven’t had any food at any break this week! Of course there are ways around this like borrowing some money from work colleagues so I know my good attitude this week has also helped. I also try to ensure that I’m not hungry if break time is approaching so I have a piece of fruit on hand to combat this and a good breakfast to keep the hunger at bay for a decent length throughout the morning.

My mental attitude has been really good this week though. Funny how that happens. Today I’m battling (but winning I think) with the “It’s Friday and I lost 4 lbs this week so I can eat what I want today and for the weekend” feeling!! Never ending eh.

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