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Archive for August, 2008

What to do next?

Today I was in a major, as Roni would put it, funk. Physically and emotionally. I can firmly point my fingers at hormones as the instigator but I have to hold my hands up and accept that I too willingly aided and abetted. I need to figure out a better way, or just a way even, of dealing with this. I mainly overeat for emotional reasons – to make myself feel better and even though I know it won’t I tend not to be able to tell/convince myself that in the moment.

I know it’s just one day but if I don’t get some control over my emotions soon all these days are going to add up big time!

No official weigh-in this week. A conscious decision because I really just don’t want to face it. Running away – yes. I don’t care. I’m also considering finishing up with the official weight watchers weigh-ins altogether. I think I need to take a different approach. I don’t know. I guess I’ll see.

For now I’m going to try not to let it all weigh on my mind too heavily and will also try to take it one food choice at a time.

Not around for the weekend so no more updates till next week. There may be some twittering.

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Balance.

Today was ok. For some vague reason I bought (and ate of course) a small bar of Green & Black’s milk chocolate. I’ve never even had their milk chocolate before. I usually have the Maya gold dark choc if I am really craving but I have stopped buying it as it only comes in big bars and as much as I like to think I can eat it in a controlled way, I simply can’t. It might start out alright but the situation generally goes downhill and fast!! (Maybe there’s some way of working around this? Must think)

The funny thing is that I wasn’t really craving chocolate today. At least I don’t think I was. It was a somewhat unconscious decision. I know I purposely bought the small one so that I had a limited amount to eat , that’s good at least. However, the deed is done now so time to let it go.

I have noticed that my mood is really good the last few days. Almost too much today and yesterday, I’m close to hyper. I know I’m complaining about being in a good mood (shame on me!). But I think what happens is I get too elated and feel so good that I start thinking I can have what I want and I’m so in control etc etc… then naturally the fall from so high up is extra hard. I need to find my middle ground and settle there. There are too many lows and highs for me. I need balance.

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A glimpse of sunshine.

Today has been pretty good. I ate well and I’m just back from a really lovely walk. A walk that was just about getting out with my dog, getting some fresh air and letting the tensions of the day fade away with every step. As walks should be, though lately mine had become consumed with thoughts of ‘is my heart rate up enough’, ‘am I making good enough time’, ‘am I working hard enough to burn off the required amount of calories/fat/pounds’. Exercise should not be dominated by thoughts like those!

Today I also feel much more energised. No doubt a side effect of two days of 95% healthy eating. I was going to say good eating but I need to break that habit. Food for me must stop being good or bad and thereby making me good or bad depending on what I eat. Food is fuel, for my body and yes sometimes for my emotions too. That’s ok.

Oh and I won the ice-cream battle too. 🙂 Me 1, ice-cream 0.

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Murky Mondays.

I seem to be turning into one giant spot lately. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of punishing me for bitching about my marriage (I take it all back, well most of it anyway, he was a angel today). But seriously I’m in my 30’s, shouldn’t the spotty teenage phase have ended by now !!! Perhaps it’s all the fries I stuffed my face with last week… all that excess grease. Whatever the reason it’s mightily annoying !! There’s only so much covering up I can do. I’m not the type of girl that’s good at make-up or even taking the time to get good at make-up!

I’m starting this post in the early morning so I may be tempting fate when I say that this day has a lot potential to be a good one. I’m feeling reasonably positive (apart from the spots and feeling so bloated!) and there’s pretty much no-one at work today to lure and tempt me to dangerous eateries. I brought my lunch with me and I damn well intend to eat it and it only.

Last night I also started to try to look at myself a bit more closely. Why I act and think the way I do. I’m using old fashioned pen & paper to gather my thoughts on this subject and if I can make it coherent down the line I will share here. I find in my head my thoughts and rehearsed conversations sound great but once I open my mouth that all changes. 🙂 So I hope to make random notes on paper about how I react to certain situations, how I deal with other people, how I feel about other people and myself and then I’ll try to bring it all together in a post or two. It will be difficult but I think I need to face up to the person I am instead of trying to be how I think/want other people to see me.

I guess I’m getting back to the title of my blog… In search of me. I obviously chose that for a reason. I need to learn to like, love, understand and accept myself and my emotions better.

Evening time now… today’s eating went quite well though I am fighting a fierce mental battle over some ice-cream bars that are in my freezer (I did not buy them!). Why do I want them? Well number one they are there. Number two I think I’m feeling fed up and want my excess weight to be gone now which is obviously impossible so that makes me feel, well, sad I guess. It all makes me feel like saying screw this, lets eat ice-cream and by happy. Except it won’t make me happy in the long term.

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My insanity of the last few days seems to have waned – slightly. I have to admit I basically ended up giving in to it and have just stuffed my face with crap. I also have had NO exercise to combat this. I think I’ve had more greasy food in the last week than in the last two months!
I am however determined that starting tomorrow now, that’s it.

I am taking the advice of so many other bloggers out there. My new healthy lifestyle is about making the best of each situation and not letting it all overwhelm me. So that’s it, I’m done. Now if I could just stop thinking about that ice-cream my hubby bought !!! 🙂 as if I didn’t have enough trouble!

Speaking of the hubby, is marriage damn hard work or what ?! Not that I don’t love him to bits, I do. Not that he doesn’t have lots of wonderful aspects, he does. Not that our marriage doesn’t have great days, it does. But my God I get so frustrated sometimes, especially when hormonal, of course. I seem to be the one that does the thinking in the relationship. Oh this needs to ordered, that needs to be collected, x needs to be cleaned, y needs to be fixed…… I do practically all of it and there’s NO-ONE to remind ME to do these things. I just have to remember myself. Which is fine. That’s adult life. No problem.
There are two of us in this however. Basically I’m the grown-up in the relationship. If I don’t do things, they generally just don’t get done. Arrrgh!

I know men and women are just different. I know too that all men are not like this. I’m told I just have to accept him the way he is. But is that really fair? Is it really impossible for him to change, just a little ?! I think if he even appreciated all that I do or if I even thought he realised half of what I do, I could bear it better.

It’s just as well I love him and that he cooks & washes up occasionally !!
It’s probably more than most.

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Official weigh in yesterday (Thurs) – up a pound.
Eating on Weds night & most of Thurs – pretty crap. Fries! Bread! Ice-cream!
Think it’s partly down to pms but who knows any more.

What’s really frustrating is that since last week’s weigh-in I have walked 3 miles on Sat, Sun, Mon & Weds. They weren’t lazy strolls either. On Tues I did 30 mins of a muscle, yoga and step work out using my Wii Fit board which gave me sore abs for the last 2 days so I must have put some effort in. And yet here I am again up a pound. Now I know it’s only a pound. I also know/think because I went heavy on the carbs over the last couple of days (the crappier ones at that) that I’m probably retaining water and that accounts for some of the gain. Or is that just an excuse ? Did I just over-eat and reap the ‘rewards’.
I know I need to move on and not let it get me down. I know it has happened before and I have gotten over it. I know it will happen again. But right now in this moment I feel really, really pissed off and I guess I need to be honest about that too. I want to eat all the wrong things today and make a pig out of myself. I want to give in, give up and give out.

Deep, deep breath.

Yesterday through MizFit’s blog I was introduced to another blog Emotions for Engineers which I found really interesting. This post in particular intrigued me (but I will need to read it another 10 times at least to take it all in). I really think I need to better understand how the body works when it comes to food & exercise. On the other hand I don’t want to obsess about it either and become overwhelmed.

So today as my post title suggests I feel like I’m on a Merry-Go-Round, going round and round and round and round. I keep trying to jump off and a few times I’ve thought I’ve made it but alas no. I’m still there getting dizzier and more nauseous. Will I ever get off?

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Frustration #!$#

Today has been one of those ‘I want to eat everything that comes to mind’ kinda days. I haven’t given in to it totally….. yet. I’ve over-eaten definitely but at least I tried to choose somewhat healthier excesses. I know these days will happen, I know, I know, I know. Hormones, tiredness, stress… whatever. It’s still really frustrating. I feel like I’m not in control of my mind and my body. I won’t let it get me down but it’s still difficult to comes to terms with no matter how much I understand that these days just happen and always will from time to time.

On a more positive note I did 30 minutes using my Wii Fit board last night, doing some muscle, yoga and step workouts. At the time I thought ‘this really isn’t taking too much out of me, can it really work?’. Today however I’m definitely feeling it in my abs so it obviously had some effect! I’m delighted. I’ll definitely be fitting it into my exercise routine more often, especially when I feel like a change!

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