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Archive for October, 2008

I had a nice weekend… though it was in ways an odd weekend and a little painful. I went through my usual difficulties that accompany socialising in a large group – insecurity, comparison of myself to others caused by and leading to insecurity and feeling like an outsider at times, again caused by insecurities…. hmmmm am I beginning to see a pattern yet?!

I also found out at the weekend that I’m not as fit as I thought I was. Yes I’m fitter than a lot of people but carrying around about 28 lbs of extra weight makes me slower than other people, makes me lag behind, feel un-energetic, sad, pathetic and alone. Yes I got there in the end and that’s a positive. I stuck with it but I was quite upset too. I try to fight feeling like I’m just that bit outside the group… but when you can’t even see the group you know maybe it’s time to stop fighting it. Maybe it’s ok not to be like the others. I have to learn to just be me… not who I think I should be to fit in. Of course I know all this but it’s hard not to get sucked in every time. It’s hard to stop wanting to belong and stop trying to change myself to be a person that people will think is funny, intelligent, beautiful – perfect. Nobody’s perfect.

I was also recommended by a doctor to try the South Beach Diet to lose the weight. Funnily enough I have the book, read it a bit but I’ve never actually followed the plan. I always felt it had it’s good points but that anything with the word “diet” attached was not going to help me in the long-term. I still bought the book in the first place of course. Now a medical professional has actually recommended it, this made me stop and think. I know that doctors aren’t gods and can of course give bad/different advice but I also know that carbs are a problem for me so maybe this approach is worth a try.

My goal to lose 5lbs in the month of October is about to fall short by 4lbs unless I stop eating for the rest of the week and exercise about 3 hours every day (not gonna happen). I also said I would give up alcohol for the month – failed on that count too. Now Christmas is looming on the horizon. I need a proper plan, a strategy.

I need to lose some serious pounds before then not only to offset the quite likely gain that happens around the holidays but just to feel better in my skin and my life. I want to go out at Christmas and not have to face the usual ‘nothing fits me any more’ saga. I want to feel confident. I know how I look doesn’t have to control how I feel but who am I kidding – it does. An important aspect for me is that I also want to see my fitness improve. I’m putting a lot of work into that area but I’m not seeing the rewards because of my over-eating. I’m sabotaging myself and that’s really frustrating.

So the tentative plan for now is:

  • to give up alcohol for November
  • to seriously read more about the South Beach Diet in the next few days and decide whether or not I’m going to do it and do it properly
  • to keep up my exercise levels no matter how I’m feeling about it… it will pay off in the end
  • to hopefully lose 14 lbs before Christmas… I think this is achievable but only if I get my act together and really do it, not just play at doing it.

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Back on track

I weighed in earlier after arriving home from my spinning class and of course after peeing ๐Ÿ™‚ I jotted down the number on a piece of scrap paper, thought to myself ok so I’m the same, that’s ok. I did pottered off to make myself some dinner as I was starving. When I came to the computer to enter my weight on my little spreadsheet I pleasantly found out that I’m actually a pound down. I’m thinking I must not to be obsesssing on the numbers too much if I can’t even rememember what I weighed last week and that of course is a good thing! I know my better mood this week has something to with it too of course.

My 2nd spinning class was thankfully somewhat less hellish than the first, again probably partly down to my improving mood. I can certainly see how it burns calories anyway… bloody hell I’m not sure my face has ever been that shade of red! I’ll keep it up for a while longer I think but I don’t see it being a long-term option for me. I just don’t get enough of enjoyment or fun out of it. Mainly I just get a very sore ass. Right now I have motivation to go because a friend is going too but in a month or so they won’t be around for it and I know in my heart and soul I won’t be able to face into it on my own. For now though a month of doing something different can’t hurt at all – well except my ass of course… you’d think there would be enough padding there to protect it but apparently not!!!

I won’t be blogging for a few days as I have some stuff on and just won’t have time. Here’s hoping that ‘stuff’ doesn’t throw me too far off plan either! Have a great weekend everyone!

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Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde

It’s like I’m a different person this week compared to last week. So much so it’s even hard for me to grasp. I have more energy, more focus, I’m happier and much nicer to be around too!

I haven’t been perfect as far as food is concerned… there have been a couple of chocolate indulgences but I’m not letting them affect my mood or my other choices. My exercise has been great too which always helps.

If this person could just stick around more regularly I’d be well on my way to losing those pounds that seem to be stuck to me!! I’m going to take the positive view however that it could be much worse. I could be Mrs Hyde all the time, heaven forbid!!! I’d be divorced for sure and quite probably a very fat recluse too! ๐Ÿ™‚

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I entered the Gracie Gear Giveaway!

Check out Roniโ€™s Weight Loss Blog for more information.

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Coming to the surface

I seem to be constantly on here whining about hormonal woes so much so I feel like I just need to just shut up about it. However the more I’m experiencing the more I’m realising how much it is affecting me, my life and the people around me. So I just want to get it out and be honest about it I suppose.

I’m convinced I was suffering from hormonal depression last week… I don’t know if it even exists but if not I’ve just invented it ok. Life for me last week was horrible. I was in a foul, foul mood. Everything was irritating. Life seemed pointless. I was tired, grumpy, angry, sad and a hundred other emotions rolled into one. I even had a week of bad hair days for Gods sake!! My poor husband took the brunt of it… I think we barely had a proper conversation for 3 or 4 days. I knew it was happening but I felt powerless to change it. Plus he doesn’t seem to approach me the right way either… whatever that is. Asking me “are you cheered up yet?” doesn’t tend to help me feel better!! He also seemed to be pissed off with me for it which I can understand to a certain degree but that just makes me feel even more broken and down.

I know I can be negative and this doesn’t help. I’m sure I just gave in to the feelings and didn’t fight hard enough to be positive. Basically I wallowed in it. I didn’t feel like I had any fight in me though. Of course, as per usual, it dawned on me towards the end of the ordeal that the cause was most likely pms.. just earlier than expected. Last week, I felt like I was sinking further and further into a deep dark hole. Over the last few days the light above seems to be getting brighter. Today I know I’m climbing out of that hole and I feel like I can take on life again. Of course this is accompanied by lots of hormonal acne, very tender breasts and the arrival of my period but I suppose I can’t expect to have it all my way at the same time right….?

So today I’m feeling good…. I’m feeling back in control. I’m feeling positive. I’m researching ways to combat the hormones and the acne. I’ve started taking Evening Primrose Oil supplements and I’m contemplating trying a fish oil supplement too because I don’t eat fish and I know it has important benefits. Roni posted an interesting link to a theory about why pms can get worse with age and I’m wondering if that is what is happening to me? I don’t ever remember things being this bad until the last few months

Ok that’s enough of the hormone bashing for me. I’ve let it out and let it go (for this month anyway). I really am in a much better place today and I’m looking forward to a good, productive, positive week.

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Time to recommit

The last week or two have not been good for me. I’ve really felt myself slipping. I just wanted to be left alone, ignored, invisible. I just wanted to go to bed and stay there but probably with a good supply of chocolate. My eating as a result was all over the place. I’ve gained another pound this week as a result. Right now my 5lb goal in October is looking very shaky. I should have set my self a goal not to gain 5lbs never mind to lose it.

I also had my first ever spinning class during the week and it was to put it plainly – torture! I just did not feel comfortable on that bike… at all. My poor emotional state didn’t help either of course. I was the biggest person in the class and no I’m not exaggerating. I might not be huge but I have eyes. Seeing and knowing that you are the fattest person in the room really isn’t uplifting or encouraging… add to that the full array of mirrors (why do gyms do that!) in case I missed the fact that I was the fattest person there plus the sheer agony of those bike seats and I was not a happy bunny. I’m going to give it a 2nd chance though. I feel it’s only fair. I don’t want to be the type of person that gives up at the first hurdle. The cloud of thunder and doom seems to have lifted somewhat from my head and maybe with a different attitude, a different bike and a very baggy black t-shirt I might come close to enjoying spinning next time (if that’s possible).

Apart from that, as my title suggests, I want and need to recommit to what I’m trying to do, trying to achieve. I need to learn how to not give in to my hormones or bad moods or whatever it is I use at the time as the excuse to stop trying. So as of today I’m back in the game and ready to do my best yet again with what I have.

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A big thank you to the wonderful, funny and highly entertaining Merry & Crabby over on Cranky Fitness and of course to Fit Couture for providing me with the opportunity to win a $150 gift certificate for their fab Workout Wear!!! I just can’t believe it and I’m chuffed to bits!! I can’t wait to get shopping and will have no excuse not to exercise now that I will look so amazing in my new gear ๐Ÿ™‚

Coincidently I’ve been feeling pretty cranky for a few days now but this has cheered me up no end! I reckon it’s the universe giving me a very nice reminder to put a smile on my face and think happy thoughts. Point taken universe… will comply to the best of my abilities.

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