Archive for June, 2009

Weekly weigh-in

Another week down in my weight loss journey and what a week it’s been!! I was sick last weekend which no doubt contributed greatly to my 2lb loss this week. While I felt much improved during the week I still wasn’t 100% and basically did no exercise apart from my rescheduled training session. My food choices weren’t great but I wasn’t eating much at the same time. However as the week went on self-pity combined with my expectation of an almost guaranteed weight loss because of being sick led to my eating gradually getting worse and worse ending in a horrific days eating today!! Really, really bloody awful and I’m disappointed in myself. I know what’s done is done, that I need to let it go and move on. So here I go…… any minute now.

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I haven’t had the nicest few days courtesy of a tummy bug or food poisoning. I suspect the latter. Whichever it was I’ve spent far too much of the last 48 hours either in bed or in the bathroom. I’ve had to postpone my personal training session because while I am feeling a bit better there’s just no way I have enough energy for a strenuous work out. I’ll fit it in later in the week though and considering I put in a good week prior to getting sick and ate next to nothing while sick I’m pretty certain I’ll be seeing a loss on the scales this week!

It’s hard losing control though and even while my appetite is very small the urge to use food to self-medicate and cheer me up is still huge. Crazy eh!!

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Weekly weigh-in

The hormonal and emotional moons seem to have re-aligned and I seem to be re-gaining some control. Yay! Along with that my weighing scales were kind enough to show me a 1.4 loss this week and I’ll take that with arms wide open thank you very much. I just have to keep the ball rolling now that I’ve got it moving again – in the right direction!

I’m feeling positive again though and hopefully my tiredness will start to lift too. I’m also feeling determined again and my god that is such a big part of the battle.

I haven’t much more to write tonight… just can’t think of anything interesting. I must really put some thought into a decent post soon.

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I think the fog just might have lifted. I feel more focused and in control today and yesterday. I’m more determined too. I so want and need a loss this week – mentally more than anything else. My thighs are aching from evil squats courtesy of my personal training session. I still managed a 3 mile cycle this evening even though my thighs screamed at me a number of times and I had to take a few breaks too. I’m only revisiting this cycling lark after many, many years and believe me spinning while great is NOT the same thing!! Just keeping my balance is a work-out on it’s own!!!

My main issue at the moment is tiredness. I’m not sleeping very well and I think because of that and because I’m perhaps a little run down my energy levels are just not where they should be. The weeks starts off ok but by Friday I’m just wrecked. So I need to work on that. How? Well by taking a multi-vitamin for a start and also by trying some relaxing herbal teas before bed. Here’s hoping I have success all round this week. I may be aiming a little too high. 🙂

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My mum over the last few years has become very interested in psychological things i.e. why we do what we do and are how we are. She struggles with her weight too and though she does drive me around the twist much of the time I know she has my best interests at heart and mainly just doesn’t want me to end up as big as her. Her tendency however to regularly ask “but how do you really feel about that?” can make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck in sheer irritation!! It should be noted she doesn’t always take it well when the question is directed at herself either!

Anyway mother issues aside a big thing of hers a few years back was asking the question “Who owns the problem?”. I guess the point is to figure out what’s going on when we are upset, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. I suppose we often find that how other people act or behave can really makes us mad. In these situations the question “Who owns the problem?” becomes especially relevant. The reality is that frequently we get angry with people for not doing things the way we want and in that situation we are really the one that “owns the problem”. We need to look inside and try to understand why what they are doing bothers us so much. Sometimes in my case it’s just a control issue. A bit like a child I often want things done my way and my way only. When I step back and figure out that I own the problem in that situation I soon realise that letting go/relaxing my need for control will help to solve the problem not to mention create much happier relationships! It’s a much more effective solution than just feeling helpless and angry that this person isn’t doing things as I’d like and being at a loss as to how to make them do it my way!

It occurred to me today that the same theory can be applied to my weight loss and fitness efforts. I find lately that I’m a bit fed up with the “world” making me exercise and eat healthily. I hear myself thinking a little more often “it’s not fair, why can’t I just eat what I want!”. That is a frame of mind I do not want to go back to. So I ask myself “who owns the problem?”. Now I know the obvious answer is me ok but lets expand on that a little. My “problem” is that I want to be a fitter, healthier, happier individual. By truly owning this problem I need to own the exercise, organisation and healthy eating that will allow me to solve my “problem”. I need to own the fact that some sacrifices need to be made because I am only human and cannot do it all. I cannot stay up late watching tv and expect not to feel like crap the next morning getting up to work out before work. I cannot eat crap all weekend and expect to lose weight. I also cannot be perfect either. I guess owning the problem in this case is also about owning the responsilbity and related choices.

So here I am today owning my problem and also owning up to a 1.6 lb weight gain this week. The logical side of me knows it’s not a big deal. The illogical side of me wants to have a good old fashioned temper tantrum. It also seems that my hormones have crept up on me yet again and then jumped from the bushes to whack me over the head with a frying pan! At least I know where all this introspection and general miserableness is partly coming from. What I cannot fathom is how at this point in my life I cannot figure out in good time when my hormones are at play!!

To finish here is another quote I came across this week that made me stop and think.

My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others.That is nice but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success. ~ Helen Hayes (1900-1993, American Actress)

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I’m in a bit of a funk at the moment. There are many factors at play. Too many to even try to figure out let alone write about them. Mainly I just feel like I’ve lost my mojo at the moment and I’m desperate to get it back. Part of me wants to just give in and be done with it…. eat a full loaf of white processed bread (layered with butter!), get fast-food for lunch and a large tub of Ben & Jerry’s for dinner – for starters!!! Another part of me just won’t allow that in a million years…. parts of it maybe but all of it?! No bloody way! I’ve come too far. Yet another part of me is a little saddened or frustrated or both by the part of me that just won’t give in. I know. I’m a nutjob.

I didn’t record an official weigh-in last week because I knew I was going to be up and like a bold child I decided I just wasn’t going to deal with it – not exactly the best approach I know.

So here I am heading into another week…. my progress with my trainer in terms of weight loss has also stalled for the last 3/4 weeks. There’s no one to blame but myself. I’ve been giving in to the food a little here and there…. I’ve been fooling myself.
This needs to be a good week… I need to get back on track but that pressure alone is enough to send me running to the fridge and not for salad I can tell you! So I try to be understated about it… to take it one meal, one choice at a time. The bigger picture looms at the back of my brain however. Taunting me. Brains are a pain sometimes.

So my main plan this week is to keep me and my nutty brain busy, busy, busy….. too busy to think what will I eat next or how much weight I still want/need to lose. There’s washing & cleaning to do, clutter to banish, windows to wash, general DIY to do and lots, lots more I’m sure. Busyness is my friend. Busyness. is. my. friend. No arguments allowed.

This quote is also giving me some food um, I mean exercise for thought this week and hopefully some inspiration too.

Accept everything about yourself — I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end — no apologies, no regrets. ~ Clark Moustakas (Humanistic Psychologist)

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It’s looking a little like my blogging rate will be hovering between once or twice weekly.That seems to be the rhythm I’m settling into… i.e. that’s all I’m managing to fit in right now! I mentioned last week that I had a busy life filled weekend ahead and it lived up to expectations! I really enjoyed myself though with fab company, fab weather and yes fab food too. Thankfully I added in some fab exercise to the mix as well so I think/hope (fingers & toes crossed) I won’t see a gain this week. Hmmmm have I just jinxed myself?!? Who knows! Silly to even think that way really. Whatever will be will be, all I know is that I enjoyed myself but I didn’t eat with wanton abandon this weekend and that’s surely a good thing!

On to the subject of the personal training which I don’t think I have mentioned in a while. It’s still torturous but in a strangely good way! My fitness levels have increased so much and I’m getting on really well with the trainer too – in between cursing him for thinking up new ways to torture me every week! I do curse him to his face though so at least I’m up front about it. He takes it well… come to think of it I’m probably just encouraging him! 🙂

To be honest thoughts of stopping the personal training when I get to my goal weight actually saddens me a little. I don’t need to stop of course but I also don’t think I can justify spending the money on it every week long, long term. On the other hand I’m doing something for myself so maybe I can justify it? I can’t do it for ever though either!! I still have a good few pounds to go of course so no need to dwell on that decision just yet.

In general however I have to say I’m feeling really positive these days and more stable too. Maybe stable is too strong a word but I just feel more settled about my eating and my body…. not every day mind you but just more consistently. Having that every day would be looking for miracles!!

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