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Archive for July, 2009

Weekly weigh-in

Very quick update as I need sleep badly. I’m down 1.8lbs and very happy with that. I went a bit nuts with my eating today and I can feel the “lets continue eating crap seen as I’ve already started” voices in my head getting stronger. I’m going to fight them though. No point losing almost 2 lbs and then just regaining it the next week right!!!

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I’m stunned and delighted with all the comments I’ve received since joining the HYC Challenge and I thought it would be easier to reply in a post!! So to aimtoannoy, erinstartsliving, Mary, Lisa and Felicia thank you, thank you, thank you for all your recent comments! I hope to get around to your blogs at some point but as you found from my last entry time management and myself aren’t the best of friends!! Thanks too of course to all my other commenter’s as well. (there aren’t many but I don’t want anyone to feel left out or unappreciated!!!).

I’ve been meaning to join the HYC Challenge for so long but as with many things I just never got around to it. It seems like a great idea to be a part of something specific in this vast internetland so I’m looking forward to doing my best to be a supportive member and of course to become a healthier me!

As for my recent goals… I surprised myself by meeting and exceeding my trainers weight loss goals for last week. He was delighted as was I !! Here’s hoping I can pull off the same feat for next week. So far the week has been pretty good for me as far as food goes. Slight chocolate indulgence today but hey it happens. 🙂
Thinking ahead and being organised when it comes to my lunches and dinners has naturally helped hugely both with food choices and stress levels. I’ve missed out on some planned workouts however because of…. well life… but I hope to make up for them later in the week and if I don’t that’s ok too.

My 15 mins to myself each night started out really well…. um… for one day. As I said life just got in the way yesterday so I didn’t have the time (how sad) and today’s not looking good either but I will still try.

Overall I’m feeling very much back on track and in control but I know only two well how that can change VERY quickly. I know, I know… think positive! We’ve a friend out for dinner and drinks tonight though so I need to try to do that as healthily as possible without being a killjoy of course 🙂 Wish me luck!!!!

Just to finish off here’s a quote I read recently that struck a chord with me as I occasionally find myself thinking back to my younger days when I thought I was huge but in reality was so much thinner that I ever will be again! (That’s not being negative though just realistic).

If you’re still hanging onto a dead dream of yesterday, laying flowers on its grave by the hour, you cannot be planting the seeds for a new dream to grow today ~ Joyce Chapman

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The week ahead

So here I am on Sunday with another week looming on the horizon. I meet my personal trainer tomorrow and I’m doubtful I will meet the weight loss goal he set me last week. I had good and bad days last week, my exercise was ok but I really don’t know if I did enough to shift any of those pounds gained over the previous hectic weeks. I know too if I didn’t that’s ok. It will happen in time. Putting too much pressure on myself certainly won’t help as I’ve found before.

I’m trying to look to the week ahead and focus on what I can do to make things better…. make my life better really I guess. That’s sounds a bit over the top but when I’m unorganised in my life and things start to build up around me like house-work etc I start to feel out of control and things spiral downwards from there. I know I probably need to just learn to relax about everything but that will take some time to achieve so for now better organisation will have to do!!

So what can I do? Well less sitting on my ass watching tv and more getting things around the house off my to-do list for starters! I also need to think ahead and plan my lunches and our dinners for the week. I think too I need to fit in a little relaxation/quiet time for myself every day so from tomorrow (for a week to start with) I’m going to take 15 minutes every night to just sit quietly with my thoughts or listen to a self-esteem cd I have. It can’t hurt right!!?

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Weekly weigh-in

This is going to be short and sweet because well just because I feel like it. My weigh-in today shows me to up 2lbs… I’m not surprised at all as it is a simple case of over-eating and I deserve the gain completely. Right now I am stupidly stuffing my face with chocolate!! Why? Simply because its there. I didn’t buy it though, it was given to me and I’m sending whatever is left after tonight off to work with my hubby so that it’s out of my way and can cause no more harm. I honestly don’t think I’m eating chocolate now because I’ve gained. The gain was no surprise to me at all and I know I can get that 2 lbs off again in the future. It really is a case of eating it just because it’s there in front of me.

Ok time to deal with this!!! Right I’ll have 3 more pieces and put the rest out of the room.

I CAN do this.

***Update****

I did it! I only ate 3 more. It would of course be better if I had eaten none but the small victories are just as important as the big ones!

I should be fast asleep by now but I’m not and I’m a girl that NEEDS her sleep. I badly need to get my routine back on track. I’m also thinking that I need to cut back on my diet coke intake. It’s my “treat” at times. I know it can’t be good for me but I gotta have something I like right!!! (hmmm didn’t I just have a chocolate binge earlier you ask… why, yes. Yes I did! Terribly deprived I am….. NOT! 🙂

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Looking inwards

The wonderful Diana kindly commented on my last post and got me thinking. I’m sure I’ve said it before but I will say it again anyway. I am an emotional eater. I over eat or am drawn to over eat when things are out of my control, when I’m stressed, when I’m tired, when I’m sad, when I’m angry , when I need to just feel better. So on and on the reasons go.

To top this off I also view food as a treat for when I’m happy or have something to celebrate. Damned if I’m happy and damned if I’m sad eh.

I know the problem right so I need to work on a solution. Easy? Erm no. Logically I guess I need to step back when I want to eat and try to identify what I am feeling and why I think food will help. In reality though I’ve usually eaten whatever it is before that thought process even beings. How have I lost 15lbs so far you probably ask? Well I’m exercising more and harder than ever before. I’m seeing a personal trainer once a week and actually building muscle! It’s great, I admire my arms regularly 🙂

I also am eating more healthily than I ever have before. Much, much less processed food and lots of fruit, veg, wholegrain and home cooked meals plus reduced portions sizes. When I do binge eat – and I do – it tends to be a lot less volume wise that a few years ago and can often be healthier binging if that’s even possible. Peanut butter instead of cookies you know.

The frequency of my binging has also reduced which is good. If I’m honest though I still haven’t really tackled one of my root problems – that I eat to deal with or even suffocate perhaps my feelings.

I’ve cleverly devised strategies to keep myself busy. If I’m not sitting around idle I tend to binge much, much less. I’m starting to think that I just don’t want to or cannot deal with whatever is going on inside my head. Does that even make any sense?

I think that at least my writing here is something, a start. I’m definitely learning to manage my eating, exercising and living much better as time goes on and that’s a good thing but eventually I need to progress from managing to actually dealing.

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The title might suggest a long post about my holiday experiences but that isn’t what you’re about to get. Sorry.

I’ve been absent from here lately and with this post I hope to catch you all up with what’s been happening etc and also gather my own thoughts a bit too.

It’s been 3 weeks since I recorded my weight on this blog and there is a number of reasons for this. Firstly I was away with the hubby for a few lovely days and I’m glad to report that my holiday eating was really quite good. Yes I did indulge but what I didn’t do was spend each day over-eating, constantly wondering what I would have next just because I was on holidays. Plus I drank lots of water which really helps so much! So my few days away were a success on many levels. Unfortunately that’s where the success ends as I came home to a slightly insane week with unexpected visitors and events. I was still off work and the old me that binge eats for no good reason other than feeling sorry for myself or feeling out of control came back with a vengeance. She’s always there of course, that’s one of the lessons I’ve re-learned this week. That’s part of who I am and I need to try to accept it but I also need to realise that accepting it doesn’t mean I have to give in to it 100%.

Prior to all this I had also found my mind slipping back into old ways. Thoughts of “poor me, why can’t I eat what I want?”, “why is it so hard for me to do this?” etc, etc… started to crop up more and more often. I realised that I was fighting myself and of course there can never be a winner in that situation. In a clear moment I saw that the more I focus on losing weight the harder it becomes. Of course I’ve probably realised this a hundred times before and will need to realise it many times more in my lifetime.

For success I need to focus on how I feel when I eat well and exercise regularly – the energy and confidence it generates. When I eat crap, I feel like crap and my emotional response to feeling like crap is to eat more crap. It’s so, so easy to see how the cycle occurs but never so easy to break it. Also when I focus on that next pound or whatever amount I “must” lose that week the feelings of crappiness seems to descend and surprise, surprise the cycle starts again. Thankfully I am becoming much more aware of these factors but the hardest part is reminding myself more often of this wisdom that I’ve learned and am still learning every day. My focus must be on helping my body and mind feel good and then weight will take care of itself.

That’s kinda where I’ve been this past while…. where I am now is regrouping, refocusing and clawing back control little by little. Luckily I think I haven’t done too much damage weight wise mainly because exercise has become such an automatic part of my life and for that am I am proud and grateful too.

As for where I am going… who knows. I think more than anything I want to develop my confidence and self-esteem. It’s so clear to me now that feeding my body crap food does not help to achieve this goal.

So for now I’m re-committing to a single goal/aim/dream. To remind and encourage myself regularly that eating healthily is good for my body, mind and soul. I will still record a weekly weight loss update here. It is of course a part of my long term goal but just a part not the whole deal. If I can remember that, I think I can look forward to a happier healthier life.

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… well alive anyway. I could do with a little more kicking – of my ass into gear but that’s for another day. This is just a quick few lines to say I have not disappeared from the face of the planet. I am still here struggling on. Life has been and is a little crazy right now but by the end of next week I should be regaining some control and time to write here not to mention catch up with my blog reading and commenting.

Normal service will resume shortly!

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