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Archive for August, 2009

The content of this post is pretty much accidental. It all started with a gain at my weigh-in with my trainer today. I’m up about 2lbs. I was not impressed but then I did eat a lot of crap this week even though I started the week really well and exercised plenty. Yet again I feel like I am fooling myself and I feel angry that I cannot seem to put into practice what I know I need to do to lose weight.

So all this led to an online chat with my hubby (yes we are nerds but we were both at work at the time ok). I told him about my weight gain and that I was going to be staying away from the carbs for a couple of weeks to try to kickstart things again (trainers suggestion). I chatted a bit about the feelings I was having as described above. I know he worries about me when it comes to this stuff because he knows how unhappy I can get about it all from time to time. He knows how much I want this. I tried to reassure him that I was ok and was working/aiming towards long term changes and not quick fixes. I know he couldn’t care less what size or weight I am. I know he finds me attractive and loves me just the way I am now. I know all he wants for me in the world is to be happy. With all this in mind he wrote the following. It struck me so deeply that I broke into tears at my desk at work. Thankfully I had the office to myself and no-one walked in to see the blubbering mess that was me at that point. His aim wasn’t to upset me at all, I know that. He just worries and tried to honestly explain how he feels about it all I guess. I know this is a private conversation but I really think it is worth sharing. It went something like this….

Me: I’m ok you know… I know you think the weight thing gets me very down and sometimes it does but a lot of the time I’m fine just a bit angry with myself for not doing what I know I need to be doing. I’m not beating myself up over it though.

Him: I know you are. I don’t really worry about it as much as I used to. I do just worry sometimes that it takes over your life.

Me: I know but I guess how my thinking works is a huge part of it and how I think is a huge part of my life. I’m working on making long term changes though and learning how to live better. If I feel crappy and have low energy every time I eat crap then that would take over my life too you know.

Him: I know it would, and its the whole package I worry about taking over your life. I really think if you concentrated more on being happy with yourself that this side of things would come naturally.

Me: I agree but it’s kinda like the chicken and egg question isn’t it. Plus how do I concentrate on being happy with myself? What do I do? I have no clue. It won’t just happen magically and what weight will I end up being by the time it happens?

Him: but your question there kind of points out what I mean. Your whole reason for whether you’re happy or not with yourself is what weight you are…. it seems your weight is more important than how happy you are with yourself when you say it would take too long to become happy and that length of time could add to your weight… you don’t think “I could be old by the time I’m happy” you think “I could be fat by the time I’m happy”.
do you see what I mean?
and in the meantime you battle with the weight, and you are doing that for a long time… you didn’t and don’t know how long that’s going to take either… but its more important to you than the happiness.
you dismiss trying to make yourself happy because it might take too long, but don’t dismiss losing weight when you have no idea how long that will really take either.

It was about here that I broke down in tears. My eyes in fact fill up again re-reading it. The sentence “it seems your weight is more important than how happy you are with yourself when you say it would take too long to become happy and that length of time could add to your weight… you don’t think “I could be old by the time I’m happy” you think “I could be fat by the time I’m happy” is what really hit home with me.

I absolutely think being happy should be much more important to me than losing weight. I so know that and I’m trying to change but it’s really, really hard. It’s so ingrained in me that I’m overweight and so don’t look good or as good as I could and I have no clue how to become ok with being overweight. It’s not more important to me than happiness but it’s the only thing I know how to do. It’s the only thing I can take actual steps to fix/achieve/manage.

What he says is so true and yet I have absolutely no idea how to do it. How do I make myself happy? How do I become happy with the person I am today. I know how to lose weight even though I don’t always do what I know but how on earth do I tackle a problem when I have no clue even where to begin ??

I definitely disagree that losing weight is more important to me than happiness, though I have to wonder what the truth is deep down. I guess I’ve just rolled them both up so tightly into a ball that I can’t seem to separate them any more. I didn’t think I was even that unhappy, not all the time anyway but maybe I am? I do know that I’m not happy at the size I am. I accept that I may not be happy when I reach my goal weight either. I’m not so clueless as to think that it’s the only factor in my happiness. I’m not happy with my fat though. I can’t lie and say I am, that won’t work either so how on earth do I get happy with it ????

I don’t know what else to say or think. That conversation this morning has really stumped me and right now I’m just really lost… really, really lost.

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One of my goals

(I’ve a sneaking suspicion Miz might like this! Maybe not!)

Given that this is a blog mostly about my efforts to lose weight my goal is to.. ah ya… lose weight. State the obvious eh!

Like so many others though it has become much more than that. My goals now include being fitter, healthier, happier.

I know now that losing weight isn’t the magical solution to all life’s problems. As well as a healthy body I want to be healthy mentally and learn how to manage my emotions without using food. This is a much bigger challenge but one that I’m very aware of and working towards slowly. I also want the changes I’ve made and that I’m still making to become natural to me, for it be how I live most of the time.

Where are you going with all this you ask?? Well…. I just wanted to outline that my only goal isn’t weight loss but it still is the main reason this blog is in existence. You see a while back I made myself a mental promise. I made a deal with myself that when I reach my weight loss goal set here (177lbs) I’m getting myself a tattoo. Only one other person in the world knows about this and it’s not my hubby either!! I don’t think he would be in very much in favour of it but at the same time I think when he sees it he will like it. He’ll probably think I’m having a mid-life crisis or something. He’d never stop me getting one but you know what I mean right?

It probably sounds like I have a definite design in my head but I don’t really. I have ideas though. So my reasoning? Well while I know weight loss isn’t my only goal now it still involves a target that I’ve set myself. When I reach that target I want to acknowledge it for myself, acknowledge the work and effort I’ve put in. I also want the tattoo to be a reminder for me of that work and effort. A reminder that I put my mind to something and achieved it. I hope it will be something I see in the mirror and thing “ya, you did it girl, go you!”… and also something that will focus me and remind me not to go back to old ways. I realise that this is a lot of pressure on one little tattoo but I guess it will just be a permanent symbol for me. Plus it’s prob part of a teeny, tiny mid-life crisis too. LOL

As for the tattoo itself…. it will only be for me (and hubby!) so I don’t want anything big and in your face. I want it to be my choice whether I show it or not if you know what I mean. I’m thinking my hip/tummy area but I’m not sure. In the event of me ever becoming pregnant would it stretch to oblivion there? As for the design here’s a few things I’ve seen that I like.

Naturally I want something that has meaning attached, even if I’m the only one who knows what that meaning is. Of course I want something that looks nice too. 🙂 These are all black and white but I think I would definitely like some colour involved. I’m happy to let the tattoo artist guide me too. A friend of a friend has lots of tattoos and will go with me to her tattoo guy if/when I want.

So here are some designs I’ve found off the net – (great site for this!)

The idea behind the phoenix is of course rebirth and transformation. I think it would be a good reminder of the old/new me as well as the changes I made to get there. The following describes the one with the ivy. I love the last line in particular.

Rebirth, perseverance: The phoenix, which originally symbolized the sun and eternity, acquired in time the meaning of rebirth by overcoming difficulties (the phoenix is born young again after burning in the purifying fire). Ivy, for its capacity of winning in time over the mighty oak is a symbol of perseverance.The meaning of this tattoo can be seen as the possibility to overcome any difficulty with perseverance, to be born again.

The seahorse from what I’ve found can represent persistence and patience among other things.

Patience and strength: Seahorses symbolize patience, as they let the stream move them from place to place without struggling, slowly, and tenacity for the way they keep hanging to the kelp by their tails when they decide to stop.

I’m totally open to other suggestions and ideas of course or perhaps you think this idea is utterly insane!! Do tell, I won’t mind, promise. I’m sure my mother, in-laws and many others will think it’s insane though I guess they never need to see or know about it! Plus I’m a big girl now right!! 🙂

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That probably wins an award for longest title ever but anyways you’ve maybe realised by now that I’ve won a blog award… lil ole me. Who’da thunk it eh!!

Sweety on a Diet was kind enough to bestow this honour on me so thank you Sweety!lovelyblog

Now there are rules unfortunately but then I probably wouldn’t have gotten the award without them. The rules are:

1 – Awknowledge the giver
2 – Pass the award onto 15 other blogs that I love

Ok so I’ve complied with rule 1. To be totally honest this reminds me a bit of chain emails which I hate with a vengence and NEVER participate in. Plus I’m not even sure I can list 15 other blogs that I truly love. I just don’t read that many. So I will list as many as I can mainly because they are great blogs and I’m happy to pass them on to anyone who hasn’t had the pleasure of finding them yet! I won’t be letting them know I’ve given them the award though and I totally don’t expect people to “pay it forward” if they don’t want to. Ok here goes:

  1. Roni’s Weigh
  2. The Great Fitness Experiment
  3. Alright Tit
  4. Bag Ladys Blather
  5. The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl
  6. Diana’s Body Journey
  7. MizFit Online
  8. GreenLiteBites
  9. mousearoo’s mumblings
  10. PastaQueen
  11. Scale Junkie
  12. Actual Scale

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Weekly Weigh-In

The result of my new Monday weigh-in is official.
Are you ready???  Can you contain your excitement?

I was the same. Taa daa!!!

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed but on the other hand I feel good and truly believe I will have a good week ahead so I know it will pay off eventually. The fact that I feel good should be pay off enough really!! I’m still working on that aspect of things though. 🙂

Credit for my good mood can also be attributed to the fact that I’ve been much more organised this last week and weekend. The reason is because instead of thinking about ALL the things I need to get done I’m focusing on small things, doing them and then giving myself a good pat on the back for getting something done. For example instead of thinking “Damn it I need to clean the whole house!” I put a reminder on my phone to just take 30 mins from my day or evening to clean our ensuite. Once that job is done then my goal is achieved instead of what I normally do which is list about 10 cleaning jobs to do. Then getting 1 done seems like nothing in the grand scheme of things and so I never feel like I’m getting anywhere! Every evening I give myself one small thing to do. That’s it. If I do more which I often do because I’ve started then great! If not then I just get that one thing done and I’ve still met my goal. It may be a small thing but it doesn’t matter, I still feel great after.

I know none of this is rocket science but sometimes until you start doing something you don’t really understand how well it works and how much sense it makes!

Here’s a quote that seems appropriate (apologies if I’ve used it before, I forget sometimes!!)

Don’t wait for your “ship to come in,” and feel angry and cheated when it doesn’t. Get going with something small ~
Irene Kassorla

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The unknown

For the first time since I started my personal training I will be going in tomorrow with no clue as to whether I’ve lost, gained or stayed the same. I can’t even guess because I don’t trust my own judgement in this area. I’ve eaten reasonably well this week with a few silly choices here and there. I’ve exercised well too. So logic would suggest that I’ll be down. Tune back in tomorrow evening for my first Monday weigh-in result and the answer will be known!!!

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Just another Thursday

Most Thursdays or Fridays I step on my scale in the evenings and wait nervously to see the number that appears. Sometimes what I see makes me happy and sometimes it annoys the hell out of me. Sometimes it just makes me sigh in resignation. I then record the number in an excel spreadsheet and note how much I am up or down since last week. I then come here and blog about it. Today however there was no weigh-in. My scale is in the attic and I have no intention of going up there to see what I have lost or gained since last week. To be honest I have no desire to go up there either! I didn’t expect to feel different today but I do. Knowing that scale is out of my home life is strangely exhilarating. I still have accountability with my trainer so I’m not truly scale free. Some how though I feel like a chain around me has been released. Maybe I’m overthinking it or overfeeling it. I dunno. Maybe  not.

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Decision Made

I’ve made up my mind and I’m ditching my own weighing scales….  well I’m putting it in the attic to start with which is somewhere I won’t go without effort. So my weigh-ins from now on will be only once a week and will be based on my personal trainers scale. I know I’m not quite giving up the scale but I am putting it out of my control and avoiding jumping up on it every morning just to see. Though I don’t even do that nearly as much as I used to.

My weigh-in updates will now be at the beginning of the week instead of Thurs/Fri. Wish me luck!!

I’ve been pretty good with the food and exercise this week. Some minor crap made it’s way into my mouth but I didn’t let myself get worked up about it.

I’ve also been thinking about what I should be writing here…  is there anything in particular you think I should write about or that you would like to know about? Feel free to ask/suggest…..  I can’t guarantee to talk about every topic but I’ll definitely give everything some consideration.

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