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Archive for September, 2009

Paranoia

Why do we find it so hard to like ourselves? I have a tendency to be paranoid and fear (sometimes even assume!) that anything I find critical in others might also apply to myself. I’m much too introspective and think WAY too much. I constantly wonder do people really like me. Am I being criticized or laughed at behind my back?. I know liking and loving myself is more important but it’s also so much easier said than done. There’s no step by step instructions on how to learn to love yourself.

Then go add god damn photos to the mess! I just saw some from a few weekends ago and holy crap I hardly recognise myself. Why do I see something totally different in the mirror and in my mind? I look huge in those photos. I look like I’ve made no progress, that I’ve just been deluding myself. I know photos tend not to have the nicest effects on us and the camera adds lbs and all that but still I just look like an entirely different person than the one in my mind. The big question is which view is right? Am I kidding myself about how well I’m looking these days? Is the cold light of the camera just highlighting all the work left to do? I’m so fed up and disillusioned right now and I shouldn’t be as I had a weigh in with my trainer this week and I’ve definitely lost some weight though I have no clue how much as I’m still not looking at the scales. That’s about 6 weeks of scale “blindness” now and I’ve lost some weight which means I’m doing something right. Now if I could just fix this brain of mine all would be right with the world.

“Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you.”

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I often think how great it would be to up and move to the other side of the world. Somewhere sunny of course. A completely new life, new job, new surroundings. A completely new me. I’d bring hubby though! Oh and our dog too. 🙂

I often imagine that other me. Confident, kind, funny, outgoing, sociable, like-able and of course thin. Not skinny but definitely not overweight. I’d be curvy, toned and quite fit. Exercise would be a daily treat to myself and never a chore! Most days food would simply be fuel for my body and I’d give it little thought. Occasionally I would indulge but never too much and I would never, ever feel guilty or anxious over it. I would be an expert when it comes to my make-up and clothes. I’d have my own distinct style. I’d have a job I loved getting up for every morning. I’d have just the right amount of self-esteem and never need another’s approval to make me feel good about myself or my decisions.

Oh I’d win the lottery too… might as well go for gold when dreaming eh !!!

Of course I know that where ever I might go I will still be me. The grass is always greener and all that. I too know that some of those adjectives apply to me as I am now even though I may not always see or accept it. Some of the others can be worked on and some aren’t really important at all in the grand scheme of things.

I know one more thing too. Dreams are useful of course but most of the time living is much more important than dreaming.

You’ll seldom experience regret for anything that you’ve done. It is what you haven’t done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savour it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways means you’ve lost them forever. ~ Wayne Dyer

Side note: No weigh-in again at training today 🙂 but there will be one next week. I’ve decided not to look and I’m sure I will know from my trainer’s reaction if I am up or down. Literally the words up or down will be all that I want to hear if even that much! I’ll be happy to see how my measurements are progressing though. As for how I feel body-wise well pretty good I must say. I had a bit of a bingey weekend but I tried not to worry about it too much. I also tried to observe the effects it had on me physically and mentally. Today I just got back to normal and feel fairly in control again. I’m probably repeating myself when I say that none of my clothes are falling off me but nothings getting tighter either so in my book that means I’m doing something right!!!

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So I’m having a great week… it’s not perfect by a long shot but I’ve got plenty of energy and I’m getting lots of little niggly things done that I’ve been promising to do for ages. I feel in control and so I’m less inclined to overeat. It’s not that I don’t have urges but they are much, much easier to ignore or simply say no to. It’s also not that I haven’t had a few indulgences. I have but I haven’t made them into a big deal and I’ve at least tried to identify some hunger each time. Work has been crazy busy and I think this too gives me an extra sense of self-worth or accomplishment which boosts my overall confidence and so emotionally I am more settled and the need for food is again reduced.

Of course life can’t always be this way and I need to learn to cope when things are not in control, when my energy is shitty and when work makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap! I think I’ll just enjoy the good week though and worry about that next week. 🙂

I also had a minor epiphany today at break time. I was going to buy some chocolate for a treat but a conversation with my trainer this week jumped into my mind. He has asked me how my eating was last week and if I had many treats to which I answered yes, a few. He asked how many was a few…. was it 2 or 3 or was it like 7 !? I said 2 or 3 though my memory may have been a tad selective. His point was that 2 or 3 is ok but 7 (1 every day I assume) isn’t. Today before I picked up that chocolate bar I thought to myself I don’t need a treat every day. I sometimes get into that treating myself frame of mind, that “I deserve a treat” thought process. I had been slipping in to that a bit lately and today it really hit me that I didn’t need it. This expanded later on to the thought that it isn’t even a treat if you are having it every day is it?! A treat is something you have once in a while. If I have chocolate everyday I will enjoy it less because it will stop becoming a treat. This isn’t to say restricting it is the solution but just the knowledge that a treat no matter what it is isn’t something you have 7 days a week. It’s no longer a treat then it’s just habit or routine.

Now I’m not sure this thought process will work for me every time but today I realised afterward that I really wasn’t even longing for chocolate but was going for it because I had slipped back into the habit. The words “I don’t need a treat every day” really jumped into my head and actually made me feel ok about not getting the chocolate. I didn’t feel like I was denying myself at all!!

Ok I think I’m rambling now so I’ll stop.

Oh one more random observation… I so need to stop cursing. It’s just not funny any more. I blame the parents! 😛

ooh ooh one more!! TV is officially evil. The more the damn thing is off the more I get done!!!

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Weekly non weigh-in

Yes believe it or not I think it is about 4 weeks since I last saw my weight on the scales. My trainer didn’t weigh me today. I don’t know why and I didn’t ask! 🙂 I’m sure he will next week but I won’t be looking at the number then either! None of my clothes that were fitting comfortably have begun to feel tight so I can’t be gaining majorly and for now I’m just not going to dwell on the losing part. Last week I had some indulgences to be sure but I didn’t binge. I did eat foods that don’t agree with me very well but I didn’t let it spiral out of control. I kept low carb-ish from lunch time on and it wasn’t a chore at all. I’ve been exercising plenty and this past week I’ve really noticed the overall improvements in my fitness.

So I have to say I’m feeling really good! I have plenty of energy and I’m just in a good place I guess. It doesn’t make for a very interesting blog though!!!

We’re having quite good weather here for the last few days so I’m sure the sunshine isn’t hurting either…. maybe I’ll have to invest in one of those special lamps for the winter?! Either that or move to sunnier shores!!!

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Note to self

Just because you are trying to ditch the dieting mentality and eat “mindfully” does not mean that food types which make you feel crappy and bloated will suddenly stop doing so. Bread and you don’t get on… suck it up and just accept it once and for all.
Also you think you want chocolate but then you barely taste it when you have it and again you feel physically crappy after!

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Winner of the most obscure title of the year ?!! Possibly. So what am I on about? Well today was weigh-in day and I was not looking forward to it. So I refused to look. I shut my eyes really, really tight and refused to look at the number. Judging by my trainers reaction I was either the same or up but I still didn’t look so I don’t know. Head stuck firmly in the sand. If I can’t see my weight it doesn’t exist right ? Hmmmm this might not be the most healthy of attitudes to take. On the other hand my scale at home has remained banished and I’ve resisted the urge to step on any other scale that has crossed my path so maybe not acknowledging the trainers scale is just the next part of my scale divorce?! Anyway he can still measure my progress without me knowing the exact number right!? And I will just have to learn to live based on how I feel, how I fit in my clothes, what I see when I look in the mirror. Better that than feeling miserable or happy because of a stupid number. So where does the addictive bit come in? Well I’m currently trying to approach a more normal approach to eating based on a website and book recommended to me by a friend. The emphasis is on emotional eating which is most definitely my problem when it comes to food. I would never have thought of myself as having an addictive personality but the more I read the more I’m recognising that side to myself!

People with addictive personalities tend to be perfectionist, obsessive, black-and-white thinkers who approach life in an all-or-nothing manner. Moderation does not come naturally – if a little is good, more must be better. People with addictive personalities also tend to be escapist, fleeing from discomfort through obsessive distraction or self-medication.

I would always have described myself as a “failed perfectionist”. I’d love everything I do to be perfect but on the flip side when I can’t have perfect I tend to just give up. I wouldn’t describe myself as a black or white thinker though but I most certainly match the last sentence in that paragraph. I find it hard to even go for a walk without some music or the radio to listen too. I just don’t want to be inside my own head.

It goes on to say:

Addictive patterns similar to the diet-binge cycle can appear in many areas of life. For example, you might alternate between work-a-holism and procrastination. Essentially this is going on a “time diet” where you do nothing but work, followed by a “time binge” where you do no work at all. And then, when the work piles up, you go on another “time diet”.

Spending patterns also can mirror the diet-binge cycle. An overly tight budget (a “money diet”), provokes an irresistible urge to spend (a “money binge”), followed by another over-tightening of the budget.

People with addictive personalities can approach anything addictively, and often do. Even reading novels and surfing the internet can become addictive – obsessive distractions from the discomfort of everyday life.

THIS IS ME. COMPLETELY. I’m a bit shocked by the obviousness of it really.
Of course just realising this doesn’t fix everything but it does make me feel like I’m on the right path. I’ve no doubt that the road will be long and winding but it always help to know you are going the right direction!

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A bag of nerves

Monday looms and with it a weigh-in after two weeks of low-carbing. Well slight correction… 1 week of low-carbing as last week things went a little pear shaped. For both weeks I was just in a mood to eat. For the 2nd week I gave in to that desire way too much. So I’m very, very nervous and anxious about tomorrow mornings training session. I so want to be down something… anything! I know it shouldn’t matter that much but right now in this place and time it does. I’m so desperate to see a loss that the idea of not eating anything at all today briefly flew through my mind. Insane I know and it certainly won’t be happening but I still realise that even having the thought is nuts.

So we’ll see what tomorrow brings. Whatever it is my biggest hope is that I can handle it in a mature, sensible and realistic way.

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