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Archive for October, 2009

Reality Check for 1!

Dear me,

COULD YOU PLEASE STOP BLOODY WELL EATING SO STUPIDLY!

My God what is going on with you ?!?!? You are eating like a women possessed. You feel crap because you are not eating well or exercising enough. So eating more crap will not help you feel better. This is not how you will achieve your goals. It only takes you further away from them!!!!

Right now you are so full that you feel physically uncomfortable and almost sick. You want to crawl into bed because your body has almost shut down while it’s trying to digest all that crap.

Come on now…. GET A GRIP!

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As part of trying to get a better understanding of why I am an emotional eater I joined a website that is about helping people to re-learn how to eat I guess. It is strongly anti-diet and the focus is to help people understand why they eat the way they do with different steps to help overcome this and allow them to eventually reach and maintain whatever their normal weight settles at.

Now naturally I was all guns blazing in the beginning about this but then it fell by the wayside a bit. I don’t intend giving up though and I definitely think it is the way forward for me. I just need to do it in my own time I guess.

Anyway part of the reading involved got me thinking about boundaries and how we allow people to invade our boundaries to our own detriment. I’m not a very assertive person though I am improving slowly. I HATE confrontation. HATE.

It struck me that the people closest to us can be the least respectful of our boundaries sometimes. It’s down to familiarity I guess and also it can be much harder to tell the people we love to back off. A prime example of this in my life is my mother. She’s a wonderful, wonderful person. She has been there for me in so many ways. She is strong and I admire her hugely but… ya I know you saw that but coming!

But my mother as with many mothers I’m sure is exceptionally critical of me at times and mainly when it comes to my weight and what I wear. I’m sure she has good intentions. She has struggled with weight all her life and doesn’t want me to do the same. She doesn’t realise how much what she says hurts and I’m not yet strong enough to spell it out to her (yes I’m in my early 30’s I know!). Her comments are those criticisms thinly disguised by compliments such as “you look really slim in those clothes but then they are black I guess” or “you look stones lighter in that outfit”. I think it’s more that she can’t see how her comments could hurt my feelings than the actual comments themselves. I mean whatever happened to “if you can’t say something nice, say nothing!”. If I had asked for her opinion it would be one thing but I hadn’t.

Things have improved lately after a recent enough incident where I think my stone cold silence for the rest of the outing may have given her a hint. I know talking about it with her would be even better but I’m not strong enough for that yet.

All this brought to mind a poem I had stuck on my bedroom door as a teenager. I obviously had similar feelings then but what teenagers don’t I guess. I went searching (I’m an awful hoarder) and lo and behold I found the poem. Here it is:

oh, misery, my mother tears me down

Oh, misery, my mother tears me down.
Stone upon stone I’d laid,
towards a self and stood
like a small house, with a day’s
expanse around it, even done.
Now comes my mother,
comes and tears me down.

She tears me down by coming
and by looking.
That some-one builds she does not see.
Right through my wall of stones
she walks for me.
Oh, misery, my mothers tears me down.

Rainer Maria Rilke

This poem still resonates with me so much. Whatever the case my mother’s good points far outweigh her bad and I love her to pieces.

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Finally catching up

So I took a week off (two weeks ago!) and everything went to pot!! I can 100% confirm now that I NEED, NEED, NEED routine or else I’m lost and not just for losing weight or being healthy but for EVERYTHING. For peace in my head.

The things is though I also need to gain perspective. Yes my routines and self-control went a bit lax. The house didn’t fall down around me from mess or dirtiness, I still went to work and got things done, I didn’t gain a stone in weight, eat all day everyday or stop exercising completely. I have a tendency to be much too hard on myself. If I’m not doing everything perfectly then I feel like I am at the other extreme and failing miserably at everything. I know. Nuts! I’ve no idea how to change this though?!

This week I’m hoping to get things back to normal, to reinstate the routines, control and the positive feelings. I know I need to work on being more accepting of the times when I’m not in control but I think I need to be in control first to do that… does that make ANY sense?!?!?

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Life is complicated.

Life is complicated. I’m sure there are arguments that say life is as complicated or as uncomplicated as you make it but you know what? That’s a load of crap. LIFE IS COMPLICATED. Relationships are complicated. Health is complicated. Work is complicated. Emotions are complicated (and now the word complicated has started to lose all meaning!!!).

There are so many factors big and small that affect our lives everyday. I sometimes feel like I’m stuck in a tornado with everything flying around me uncontrollably. I try to grab things that are important but they are always either just out of reach or I just can’t get a good grip on them. Some days or weeks the tornado changes to a calm sunny day and I feel in control of my life. I feel like this is how it is supposed to be and yes I can do this. The dark, swirling clouds are never far away though and soon enough the different parts of my life lift from the ground and start circling my head again. Jees I think maybe I’m being a teensy weensy bit over dramatic but hey it’s Monday. It’s allowed on Mondays.

How do you manage your time and your life? Is it actually possible to do it all? Am I just thinking too much?! Lets be honest I do have a history of that.

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Time off

You might have noticed that I took a little break from blogging recently. I also took a break from working, exercising and thinking about what I was eating. Nothing was wrong, it was just some time away and I have to say I enjoyed myself wonderfully. I haven’t been so relaxed in a long time. Life resumed as normal this week however and straight away it feels like nothing has really changed much. I feel as stressed as ever but I also feel that I have no just cause to feel stressed compared to others lives. This of course only adds guilt to the stress. Clever? No, not very.

I’m going to keep this short as I have promised myself some genuine me time tonight with no guilt allowed. I’ll hopefully start to regain some control and calm as the week goes on. Oh and some more blogging too of course. I have lots in my head but no clue how to write it down! Something else for the to-do list I guess!!!!

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