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Archive for June, 2010

Half way there!!

I’m just days away from the official half way mark of my pregnancy. How nuts is that ?!!! Yes I’m almost a full 20 weeks. The main question I get asked is “so are you excited?!” or else people just exclaim “oh it’s so exciting!!!”. I however am a realist… well most of the time anyway. I get excited about going on holidays or going out for a meal. X amount of hours of childbirth? Not so excited. Sleepless nights, dirty nappies, piercing wails, sore nipples etc, etc, etc. Not so excited. Finally realising/experiencing what all the fuss about babies is. Ok possibly a little bit excited. Most definitely anticipating. Also worrying just a little that I won’t get it. That I will be handed this baby and look at it and go “oh look, a baby” and feel nothing. I’m also realistic enough to know that even if I don’t feel that bond instantly it will happen with time. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with being excited of course. I guess it just isn’t me or I just haven’t allowed it much yet. I dunno.

Another part of me then is imagining and visualising having the most amazing pain threshold ever and needing little or no pain medication. I also imagine being the most fantastic mother ever! Being a total natural and amazing everyone with my patience and innate parenting skills. Again I am a realist here. It won’t be all plain sailing and I won’t be perfect and that’s ok too.

Where am I going with all this ? I’m not sure. I guess the main thing that stands out to me is that I over think things. Just a teeny, tiny bit. 😐

Maybe if I just stopped thinking so much life would be easier? Not that it’s terribly difficult or anything but I can stress myself out sometimes because I take so many different perspectives into account!

Ok never mind all that. If you are interested in the pregnancy you might want to know how the bump is developing and if I have felt any movement yet. This week gone the bump is definitely starting to make an appearance. Now there is a nice layer of fat over it all let me tell you but none the less the proper bump is definitely on it’s way and I think in the next 3/4 weeks I will definitely start to look pregnant. I thought/hoped that nature would realised that my boobs were already quite large and so growth there was not needed but no such luck! I’ve gone up one cup size so far and it’s quite possible they will grow more.

As for baby announcing it’s presence… well last week I think I felt those flutters people talk about. It wasn’t very definite but I still feel that’s what it was. It felt odd! Very odd but also fascinating and amazing. In the next few weeks I will probably start to feel proper kicks which will be surreal but it is something I’m looking forward to as I think it will make it much more real that there is a little person growing inside of me and I need that.

So what else is going on with me ? Well I’ve been very inconsistent with blogging lately as you’ve probably noticed. I’m not sure why. Laziness I think as my netbook is broken and going to our computer room at home seems to be be like climbing everest to me which is of course ridiculous! I’m hoping to fix try to fix my netbook this week or maybe even splash out on a new one as I think it will benefit me all round. Well that’s my excuse anyway!

Exercise is going pretty good for me with regular swimming and walking. I’m not killing myself but that’s ok. I’m moving! My biggest battle there is differentiating between listening when my body is trying to tell me to rest and recognising when my brain is using that as an excuse to sit on the couch. It’s a tricky one believe me!

As for food well that’s good and bad. I find lately the sugary junk is creeping in a little even though it really doesn’t do my body good. So I need to watch that but I don’t intend to stress about it too much either. Even though I’m not weighing myself (and don’t intend to restart either!) I’m pretty confident that I haven’t gained crazy weight so far. I can tell by my clothes. I have of course gained a little as is natural but I haven’t been totally silly when it comes to food and I’m impressed with myself as I’m such an emotional eater and this is an emotional time!

So I thinks that’s everything!? If there’s more you wanna know just let me know in the comments.

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I’m sure I have that phrase somewhat jumbled up but the sentiment is still the same. It’s something I heard a long, long time ago but it has always stuck in my mind. I guess the “thank God for unanswered prayers” idea is along similar lines.

We all want x, y and z soooo bad yet we never really know until we reach or achieve x, y or z whether it’s all we imagined it to be or whether it’s the complete opposite of what we expected. This happens a lot in relation to weight loss. You hear many people say (and I’ve thought it often myself) “when I lose the weight my life will be so much better”. Sometimes people almost expect to transform into this magical perfect version of themselves – sexier, prettier, brainier, more popular etc, etc. As if being overweight has that much affect on us!! It’s crazy when you stand back and really think about it. Yes we may be less outgoing because we are overweight but there’s a good chance it’s also because we are shy or have low self-esteem etc. There’s an even better chance that we are overweight because we used food to numb those feelings of shyness, low self-esteem (insert almost any issue here) in the first place. Typically as human beings we seem to go for the “easy” answer. Lose the weight and my life will suddenly be all that I thought it should/could be and I will be an entirely different, better person. Is it any wonder losing weight is so difficult when we put so much expectation on the outcome?!?

Then we hear so often that we need to learn to love ourselves first before we can change. I do agree with this sentiment but I think that the all encompassing “love yourself” message is a bit much. It almost suggests that disliking any aspect of yourself is a sin! Lets get real here people. We all have bits of ourselves that we don’t like very much and I’m not just talking physically here. None of us are perfect in every way. I totally agree that we shouldn’t hate ourselves or our bodies. We should absolutely value them and recognise the amazing things we are capable of, that we achieve every day. Equally we should be able to say that we may not like a certain aspect of our personality for example and see if we can work on changing it. The same can apply to our bodies however the key I think is being realistic and not comparing ourselves to others. We are all unique physically and mentally. I think instead of learning to “love” ourselves we need to learn to “own” ourselves. We need to learn to say this is me as I am now. I don’t love every bit of me but I do respect myself and my body. If we can start to respect ourselves surely that will help us to treat ourselves better. Somedays we won’t respect ourselves as much as we should but that’s ok too. We need to stop carrying around this guilt and pressure to live, feel, think in a certain way. Sometimes we need to just go with the flow and not stress about it.

I’m not for a second saying that any of this is easy. Society has created so many of these “rules” and “expectations” but we can still stand back and examine our lives, our situations, ourselves and take the time to try to understand ourselves a little bit better.
We have been given these amazing brains which have the power to think and feel. We don’t sit with those thoughts and feelings nearly enough.

So where has all this come from? I’m not totally sure! 🙂 I guess right now I’m struggling with many, many thoughts and feelings. I’m trying to be a healthy host to a little being that has no idea what lies ahead of them in this crazy world. I’m also the same person I was before pregnancy and that person used food to feel better sometimes. I still do this but I guess now I accept why I do it even if it’s not always the right thing to do for my body. I’m trying to relax about my growing body while my mother frequently points out that I look much bigger that I should at this stage. In her own way she’s trying to help as she doesn’t want me to end up as overwieght as she is. I thankfully can step back and see that but it still affects me of course. I’d be lying if I said otherwise.

Getting back to “never knowing what we’ve asked for until we get it”…

Having kids was never high on my list of priorities. In fact up until a year or so ago it wasn’t anywhere on my list of priorities! When some people ask us if we planned to get pregnant I have to smile. We discussed it I say. Saying that we planned it would imply that we know what we are doing or were prepared in some way!! So I guess you could say I had no great expectations when it came to pregnancy apart from morning sickness, weight gain and the pain of childbirth!

I’m slowly noticing however that pregnancy is doing things for me that I never would have imagined. I’m smiling more and I’m really not sure why but I think that somehow I’m more content in myself, more comfortable. Instead of crazy hormone induced mood swings I actually find that my moods are much, much more stable. I’m more level if that makes sense. I still want junk from time to time but nature has decreed, through my pregnant digestive system, that natural, healthy food agrees with me much better than the junk so generally it’s much easier to make healthier choices. I also can’t eat large amounts of food. Well I can but boy will I suffer the consequences so small but frequent portions are becoming habit, something I’ve had on my to-do list for years! One of the reasons I feared pregnancy was the effects it would have on my body, selfish maybe but true. Little did I realise the good changes it would also bring. It ain’t all sunshine and roses and I’m far, far from the elusive “perfection” but more and more that’s ok with me. Where’s the fun in being perfect? Where’s the individuality? Where’s the self-development, self-appreciation and self-learning? Why would I want to be anything other than the me I am now – growing, changing, thinking, feeling, living through the ups and downs?

Why do we always want more, better, different? Maybe we should learn to sit with ourselves for a while and just be.

Phew ! Just re-read all that. Wordy or what!!! Oh well I’m gonna roll with it. Apologies if I bore you to tears. 🙂

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