Archive for May, 2011

Week 5

I weighed in the same this week and while I’d love to be down, considering what I ate last week I’m amazed I didn’t gain!

I’m going to do my best this week to focus on positive action but in very small ways. As of yesterday I have already started adding a handful of frozen berries to my oatmeal in the mornings. I used to do this all the time ages back… no idea why I stopped! It’s a really quick and easy way to add a little more fruit into my day.

My next goal is to simply drink more water during the day, I have a 750ml water bottle that I just fill myself at home. I want to drink a minimum of three of these a day. It shouldn’t be too much of a problem if I can just remember!!! 🙂 I think I might wear a ring or something that might remind me??! Gotta think about that.

So that’s it. That’s all I’m going for this week. Doesn’t sound like much but trying to do it all in one go does not work for me. Obviously in general I will try to be as sensible as possible around food but I’m not going to get hung up on it because for me it just has the complete opposite effect. In the meantime I’ll keep thinking of mini goals to incorporate into my daily life. As time goes on they will hopefully become habits. All the little things add up to big changes over time.

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I’ve really being falling into the diet mentality the last few days. The “no, you can’t have that” voice rings in my head and then I have “it” anyway and feel like a total failure. It’s not like I’m even really dieting as such now. I’m just want to eat healthier but my mind just won’t cooperate! I have to get back to the state of mind where everything is allowed but where I realise that choosing less processed foods make me feel much, much, much better physically and emotionally!!! I also need to stop getting hung up on the not so good choices I may make. It’s just one decision. It’s not the end of the world. I don’t have to eat the whole pack of cookies because I ate the first two. Bigger question?! Why on earth did I buy them in the first place!?!? Deep breath. Let it go.

I gotta be honest too and say that the desire to instantly be 30 lbs lighter is consuming me today. I just want it all and I want it now! Yet I don’t seem to want to do what’s necessary to achieve it or I’d be doing it right?! My god overeating and losing weight is so bloody complicated yet so simple at the same time. Just eat less and move more. Ya right. Or is it just me…. cause I want a clean and tidy house but I don’t clean and tidy it…. (well not enough! It’s not like it’s filthy or anything). I want to be confident and motivated but what am I doing about that?! Nothing is what. I consistently let myself down. What is it in my brain/psychological make-up that causes this?!

At this moment in time I just feel like giving up entirely but I know deep down that if I do that I still won’t be happy.

So what do I do…. hypnotism?? Counselling? 😐
I’m an intelligent woman. This shouldn’t be so bloody hard.

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Week 4

Up 1lb this week. I can’t say I don’t deserve it either. I ate really stupidly this week. I’m not even sure what went wrong. Everything was going so well and I was feeling so positive and then it just all went belly-up (no pun intended). So I guess I just gotta get back on the horse and back on track. I also need to work on being positive much more… with myself and with others. I put myself down a lot in front of others. Not in a very vicious way, in a jokey way mostly but I do it all the same. I think maybe I do it so that they will tell me not to? Or else I do it in the hope that someone else will say they feel the same. I dunno. I’ve realised though that I probably come across as very negative to others and who wants to be around a negative person. I know I don’t.

So my goals for the coming week……

1. Eat more fruit, veg and protein.
2. Move more and drink lots of water.
3. Be more positive and even if I’m not feeling it just pretend!

Some how I have to figure out how to be nicer to myself. I have to figure out how to get my confidence and motivation back. I don’t want to waste my life disliking myself and berating myself for being stupid, unlikeable, lazy, hopeless. I need to get my mojo back though at this stage I can’t even remember what it felt like when it was still around.

Hmmm so did I say I’d try to be more positive ?? 😐

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For my daughter

I’ve had an idea for a post for a few weeks now. Well an idea that I wanted to share as a post I guess. I wanted to make a promise, a declaration to my daughter. Tell her the kind of mother I wanted to be I suppose or how I want to do my best for her. Then by chance I came across something a friend had given me as a Christmas gift way back in 1999. A poem that she printed out and framed for me, in the spirit of friendship. The glass in the frame had broken at some point and I had put the poem away in a box. When I found it and read it I have to say I got a little weepy as I think it puts much more eloquently than I ever could the life/things/lessons I wish for my daughter. It’s a poem you may have read before but still worth sharing I think.

May You Always Feel Loved
by Sandra Sturtz Hauss

May you find serenity and tranquillity in a world you may not always understand.
May the pain you have known and conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.
Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone.
May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace.
May a kind word, a reassuring touch, a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them.
Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.
Teach love to those who know hate, and let that love embrace you as you go into the world.
May the teaching of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and who have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than its form.
May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart.
Find time in each day to see the beauty and love in the world around you.
Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you may feel you lack in one regard may be more than compensated for in another. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.
May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.
May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another’s judgements of your accomplishments.
May you always feel loved.

And my own little addition:

Because you always will be loved. More than you can ever know.

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First things first, my weight. After the wonky scale debacle of last week I almost feel like I’m starting again. There’s a new (borrowed) scale in town which displays in stones and pounds so that’s what I’ll be going with for now. So this week I’m weighing in at 15st 3lbs !!! That means from all my insane calculations that I have lost 3lbs in 3 weeks. That will do nicely, thank you very much! In fact I’m not quite sure how it is even happening. Maybe the breastfeeding is finally kicking in!? I just feel like I don’t deserve it. I wonder what that says about my eating/weight and my mental attitude?!?!

Anyway my first mini goal is 15st and I have given myself 3 more weeks to achieve it. That should be very achievable and will be nice and slow so as to hopefully not disturb my breastfeeding efforts! Of course I’m tempted to get cocky and revise my mini goal lower but I’m not going to give in. Slow and steady wins the race! Plus my support group is growing and we are all in the same boat and that really does make a difference!

My week wasn’t great in terms of food if I’m honest. I just felt out of control though I must not have been as bad as I think I was. I also got out for some organised exercise last week and will be doing do again this week. This is something I’m very happy about. Also this past week I’ve felt like I’m getting into some bit of a groove as far as life with a baby and housework etc is concerned. I’m not getting loads done but I do feel like I’m getting something done and that’s a step in the right direction. I’ve also seen a really good idea on another’s blog (thanks Felicia!) of designating a room/area to clean each day. I so need something like this! I tend to see everything that needs to be done, get totally overwhelmed and then do nothing!!! Needless to say this is a vicious circle!

Now here’s a little discussion I’d like to start with the few of you that read my blog and anyone else that wants to join in! Around this part of the world lately there has be much talk about waist measurement being a better indicator of health/weight issues. The thinking is that fat around our middles is the most dangerous kind for our health. I assume there is research behind this but I’m too lazy to go looking. 😐 Anyway here’s what getting me about this. They are saying that for women a waist measurement of 32 inches or above is unhealthy. For means it’s 37 inches I think. Now maybe it’s just because I’m trying to kid myself but surely women come in all shapes and sizes. I’m not trying to use the big-boned excuse exactly but I do believe that people’s frames/builds are different. For example my mum is only an inch taller than me but her hands are much bigger than mine and she is a shoe size bigger. That’s not down to weight! Anyway I can accept that my waist should be smaller but I feel that telling me it should be 32 inches or less doesn’t take anything else about me into consideration! Plus it means I need to lose 6 inches I think. 😐

So what do you think? Does this waist measurement lark sound reasonable? Or is it just targeting the average person and not accounting for variations? Am I fooling myself to think I shouldn’t be counted in the average section. Also I have heard about hip to waist ratio which at least sounds a bit more scientific but of course I haven’t done any research on this either! Hmmmm… I see a pattern emerging!

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The scales has gone wonky or was wonky all along, who knows. What I do know is that I was a slightly different weight every time I got up on the damn thing for this weeks weigh-in. Thankfully all those weights were slightly lower than last weeks so that’s good. I settled on giving myself a .4 loss. I’ll take it! Anything with a minus before it is a keeper. There’s a new(borrowed) and hopefully less vengeful scales on the scene now so that’s what we will be using from next week. Though considering the amount of chocolate I have been devouring the last few days I’m a bit apprehensive of next weeks weigh-in. Oh well you reap what you sow right?! There’s time yet for me to turn it around. I’m all about the positive vibes me! 😐

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Surprisingly week 1 has gone very well by producing a 2.6lb loss! I say surprisingly because I’m not at all sure that I deserve it but I sure as hell ain’t giving it back! Yes I was good in ways this past week but I also had chocolate, ice-cream and even fries. I guess this proves it’s possible to eat well and have the occasional treat or else my scale is exacting revenge on me for being locked in the attic for so long. It’s lulling me into a false sense of security and next week I’ll be up something ridiculous like 7lbs! Hmmmm am I coming across a little paranoid?!

Nah…. fingers crossed this start to my weight loss will stick and I’ll show another loss next week. I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and we’ll see.

So other than that what’s going on in my life. The little one is doing well as far as I can tell anyway. She smiles a lot and loves being on her play mat kicking, grabbing and trying to roll over! I started giving her some solids last week and apart from me having a minor meltdown trying to figure out what/when/how much etc it’s been going very well. It has even been fun watching her little face as she encounters new tastes and textures. She’s taking to her grub really well!! With her genes I figured it wouldn’t be a problem. 🙂

I was due to go back to work soon but I have decided to take some extra leave unpaid. We decided we could just about afford it if we were careful with our spending and I have some savings too if/when needed. I guess I’m just not ready to hand her over to someone else yet even though I find being at home all the time isn’t easy either. I’m not missing work though just the routine I guess and seeing people.

I’m desperately trying to catch up on my blog reading and hope to even get back to more regular commenting soon. If everyone could just take a few weeks break from writing however it would help… a lot!! 😛

Apart from that I’m not sure if I have anything else much to share. I’m still battling away with the crazy in my brain – the low self esteem, managing life with a baby, trying to be less of a control freak etc etc. The exercising hasn’t been going well after my attempt last week left me ridiculously tired and drained. I know I’ve lost fitness but I can’t believe it’s so bad?! Should I get that tired after a 3 mile walk? Granted I was pushing a 15lb baby plus buggy and the walk is hilly but still I felt like I’d been hit by a bus the next day. Could something else be going on too? Who knows.

So wish me luck for week 2 of mission regain pre-pregnancy body. The mission name may need some work! 🙂

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