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Archive for September, 2011

In a word. Nuts. Well that’s how it feels anyway. I’m back to work after almost 11 months of maternity leave and what a shock to my system it has been. In many ways it has been good. More adult conversation and less diaper changing for starters! On the other hand I have gone to spending pretty much 7 days a week with my little rugrat to getting 2 full days with her at the weekends, barely an hour with her in the mornings and maybe two with her in the evenings (when she is getting tired and cranky… great fun!). I can admit now that I broke down and cried one night wondering what the hell I was doing this for. Ok for money but is it really worth it ?! So I’m considering going on a 3 or 4 day week while she is small so that the famous “work-life balance” is a bit more balanced in my case.

I’m probably one of the few mom’s that wasn’t too upset leaving her that first day. For starters she is not a clingy baby AT ALL so far. I swear most of the time she couldn’t care less where I am as long as she has food and her naps! So in a way that helped. I didn’t have to leave a screaming baby. A family member is looking after her too and that makes a huge difference because I know she loves her like her own kids. It causes problems too though cause you can’t be criticising how family do things and I’m a gal that likes things done my way (can we say control issues!?). The hardest part of it all is getting organised. Making sure you have all the stuff you need ready the night before. Remembering to actually bring the stuff you need with you in the morning! Remember to get up in the morning. Then a full day of work and home again to all the childcare stuff, the cooking, the cleaning, the washing…… needless to say the cleaning side of things is suffering and it never had it terribly good in the first place!

In case I didn’t have enough things to deal with I joined weight watchers 3 weeks ago I think. I have lost 2.5 lbs so far. I have not tracked points because right now if I remember to brush my teeth it’s a good day! What about exercise I hear you say ?! Ha !! I’m not sure where I’ll find the time or energy to exercise EVER AGAIN! (mental note: must be more positive.)

I think I have only lost some weight because I simply haven’t had the time to eat as much as usual.

Even with all this I think my mood has picked up a lot since I blogged last. I truly think the less time I have to wallow the better. It’s plain and simple I bring myself down!

However lets state facts shall we.

I am at least 30lbs over weight. Sure I haven’t gained in a while and that’s good but I need to LOSE!!!!
My fitness and energy levels are woeful.
My health is going to suffer because of this eventually.
My confidence still isn’t great but it has been worse.
I am still an emotional eater but I guess I always will be. It’s something I need to learn to manage.
I don’t hate my body. This is an odd one for me. I always thought I did but I don’t really. My body has done amazing things for me really despite all I put it through. Sure there are bits I might change if I could do so magically and without any pain but all in all I’m pretty ok with it. I wouldn’t mind streamlining it a bit of course but that’s not my bodies fault. It’s my minds fault because it can’t get to grips with it’s emotions and then eats to deal with it. So I guess I hate my mind except hate is an awfully strong word. My mind frustrates the hell out of me… is that more accurate. Of course it’s all the one package really isn’t it. I’m giving myself a headache now or maybe my brain is just punishing me for being mean to it.

So anyone that knows me at all knows I like to be organised and have a plan.
For now I’m not going to worry about exercise. Yes it needs to be a factor in my life but I’m just about keeping my head above water with what I have to do for now so once my routine is more settled I’ll see how I can incorporate regular exercise. In the meantime if I do a bit I do. If not I’m not (NOT) going to beat myself up about it.

Now to the good stuff… food. I know weight watchers will work if I track and count and blah, blah, blah. That stuff just wrecks my head!!
I’ll continue going to weigh-ins because I think it will stop me ignoring my weight and expecting it to mystically start decreasing by me changing nothing. As for food well I need to seriously look at my portion sizes. I also need to eat more fruit and veg because not only is it good for me but I can eat lots of it to fill me up. I need to reduce my carbs too because they make me feel like crap and I will almost always overeat them. Now I’m pretty sure I’ve said most if not all of this many times before but maybe that’s what I need to do until it clicks!

Most importantly I’m going to work as hard as I can on being positive. My internal dialogue needs to be honest but supportive. I need to constantly remind myself why I should make the better choices in everything I do. I also need to appreciate the good things I do instead of just focusing on the bad. I have many habits to break in those areas but I can do it. I have to do it.

I’m also giving myself a short term weight loss goal. No harm having something realistic and achievable to focus on so I would like to lose 12lbs between now and Christmas. That’s 1lb a week. Slow and steady and doable if I give myself even half a chance. That would bring me into a new stone and probably get me back into some clothes that aren’t fitting me very well right now.

So who wants to join me? Imagine what we can do together if we just put our minds to it!!

A quote for today:

We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. ~ Marian Wright Edelman

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September already !!!!!

I can’t believe it’s September. I can’t believe quite a lot of things really. I go back to work in a few weeks and I’m NOT looking forward to it. I feel like a really bad mother because I’m actually looking forward to some baby free time (really not cut out to be a stay at home mom!) but not looking forward to my job where I feel like a nobody and completely useless. It’s a good job though and I’m lucky to have it so I just gotta grin and bear it. I’m sure I will miss my little rugrat of course (maybe more than I even expect) but today is one of those days when I will be happy that her bedtime has come. See told you – bad mother.

Well enough of that moaning…. in other news I’ve only gone and joined weight watchers!! I’ve been thinking about it for a while but had done nothing about. Then all day yesterday I felt so fat so I just thought screw it, something has to change. I really feel that weight watchers isn’t a long term solution but right now I just need something to get me going and keep me accountable. I’m also off to the gym tonight so fingers crossed the momentum keeps going and I start to see some changes.

So today I’m tracking my food and counting my propoints and to be honest a big part of me HATES it. The same part of me wants to sulk like a bold child that can’t have what she wants or even have a tantrum about it. Of course that because it’s making me face up to what I have been eating and how much. I also can’t just mindlessly eat and forget about it as if it never happened. 😦

So that’s me right now…. how about you? What are you up to these days?

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