Archive for October, 2011

I’m guilty….

….of many things (no, I haven’t murdered anyone!). The one thing I’m most guilty of though is being my own harshest critic. It’s second nature to me now. I’ve even become good at pretending I have it under control when really I don’t. I can say and even think all the right things but that other voice inside undoes it all in an instant.

Where is this coming from now? Well I’ve gone back to the hypnotherapy. After the first two sessions I was a little indifferent about it and then life intervened so basically I stopped going whatever excuses I might like to make. I didn’t even know if I wanted to go back but something nagged away at me so I decided to give it another try. I’ve only done one more session so far but I think it was ground breaking for me. I finally acknowledged or it finally came to the fore that I have no idea of who I am and it seems that being overweight, struggling with being over weight, failing to lose weight is all part of my strategy to avoid dealing with the lack of self-identity I have.

That probably seemed a bit confusing. I know it did to me at the time but strangely it also made complete sense too.
Put simply if I lose “the weight!” then I have to face the fact that I don’t know who the hell I am. Sure I know my name, where I live, what I do and that I like cheese for e.g. but I don’t honestly know what I feel about myself, what my defining characteristics are. I could say “I’m intelligent” but a little voice inside will chime “but are you? really? compared to others?” Much of what I say and do and feel is based on what I think others expect me to say and do and feel. I need other people’s approval to feel good about myself. I need other people’s validation to prove myself worthy of … well basically anything. What’s worse I infer things from people’s tone or reactions or often from nothing at all! I decide I’m stupid or ugly or selfish or whatever because I think someone else might think I am and of course they must be right!

I put my hands up, I judge people. I try not to but I do. So others must be judging me too right? Who knows. Really it shouldn’t matter because I should only care what I think about myself (and my loved ones too) but in this I really need to be selfish and put myself first.

So of course I can’t lose weight even though I know EXACTLY what to do because where would that leave me?
Emotionally invisible I think! My “here’s who I am” security blanket would be gone. My strategy for coping would be gone. Isn’t the human mind incredible really. The ways it finds to protect us even though it might not feel like that’s what’s happening.

As of yet I’m not sure how this is resolved. One day, one step, one session at a time I suppose. I do know that I MUST fix this. I need to have a heathly sense of self for my own sake of course but also for my daughter. I will be her primary role model for a long time to come and with all the pressures that will be piled upon her in time, from her peers, the media and society in general I need to give her the best foundation I can.

Quote of the day:

I looked always outside of myself to see what I could make the world give me instead of looking within myself to see what was there ~ Belle Livingstone

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