This is the third post that I’ve written in as many weeks. The first was me quitting blogging. The second was me not quitting blogging and having a major rant about where I am (and where I’m not) right now. Neither got published so if you are actually reading this one then there must be a full moon or something!
See I’ve lost what little fight there was in me. At least I think I have. These days I can’t quite remember even having any but I must have has some right?
I feel like I’m just existing these days and I HATE it. I’m not participating. Even something as small as leaving comments on other blogs. I just can’t seem to make the effort or find the time. I so don’t want to be the moany, whingy (sorta)blogger but I guess that’s what I am right now. I feel such guilt because there are people in the world with real suffering and sadness and yet hear I am with my puny problems whining about poor, poor me. I have so much to be grateful for. A wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, family, friends, a job, a home. My overall health is good even though I’m treating my body like shit. I have nothing to complain about and I don’t even really want to complain. I think I just want to try to make sense of how I feel. I want to understand why I feel like I am barely functioning, just going through the motions.
I want to be interested again. I want to feel energised. I want to feel some sense of control and achievement. I want to find a little bit of fight in me to get me going. I’m very afraid that’s it’s long gone, lost to me forever.
Also all I want to do is eat. Everything. Every bit of junk and non junk in the world.I know it won’t help, I know it but all my body or brain is screaming at me is to EAT, EAT, EAT !!!!!
So to top all this off my husband thinks I’m depressed and wants me to say it to my doctor the next time I go. Which I will, for him. I’m not so sure that I am depressed myself but then I suppose if I am I won’t really have the best perspective will I? I suppose I feel if I was “properly” depressed I wouldn’t be able to function. I feel I should be unable to get out of bed or be any way productive whereas I am getting up and going to work and doing stuff. Not as much as I feel I should be but I’m getting by. My other worry about being diagnosed as depressed is what do I do then? I’m not too keen on going down the meds route. I’m not sure why as I don’t know much about them but I guess I worry about being dependant on them, I worry about side effects and I also worry about how do I know when I don’t need them any more? I would also be embarrassed to admit to people, family and friends, that I was taking them. Silly I know but I’m being honest.
All that being said part of me also wonders what if taking medication made me feel much, much better. What if my “normal” now isn’t really normal at all and I take the pills and suddenly it’s like wow so this is living !!! Of course all this is assuming that my doctor even agrees that I am depressed.
I do know that whatever is going on my hormones play a role as pms time has gone nutty to say the least. I am experiencing anxiety now, crazy tiredness and just as crazy moods. I’ve changed from one brand of mini pill to another to see if that helps and I’m also taking a vitamin b complex tablet, evening primrose oil capsule plus a multivitamin. I only found out last night about this – PMDD. I have to be honest to myself and say that this section really stood out to me and does describe my feelings eerily well:
In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms occur in the last week of the menstrual cycle and usually improve within a few days after menstruation begins. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits.In PMDD, however, the following emotional and behavioral symptoms stand out:
Feelings of being “keyed up” or “on edge”
The cause of PMDD isn’t clear. Underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD, so it’s possible that the normal physical changes that trigger a menstrual period somehow exacerbate mood disorders.
Anxiety was the big thing for me this month in terms of pms to the point that I wasn’t even breathing properly. So it seems maybe this is something I should look into too. The thing is if my husband is anything to go by I’m not exactly a bundle of fun the rest of the month either. 😐