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Archive for the ‘insecurity’ Category

I had a nice weekend… though it was in ways an odd weekend and a little painful. I went through my usual difficulties that accompany socialising in a large group – insecurity, comparison of myself to others caused by and leading to insecurity and feeling like an outsider at times, again caused by insecurities…. hmmmm am I beginning to see a pattern yet?!

I also found out at the weekend that I’m not as fit as I thought I was. Yes I’m fitter than a lot of people but carrying around about 28 lbs of extra weight makes me slower than other people, makes me lag behind, feel un-energetic, sad, pathetic and alone. Yes I got there in the end and that’s a positive. I stuck with it but I was quite upset too. I try to fight feeling like I’m just that bit outside the group… but when you can’t even see the group you know maybe it’s time to stop fighting it. Maybe it’s ok not to be like the others. I have to learn to just be me… not who I think I should be to fit in. Of course I know all this but it’s hard not to get sucked in every time. It’s hard to stop wanting to belong and stop trying to change myself to be a person that people will think is funny, intelligent, beautiful – perfect. Nobody’s perfect.

I was also recommended by a doctor to try the South Beach Diet to lose the weight. Funnily enough I have the book, read it a bit but I’ve never actually followed the plan. I always felt it had it’s good points but that anything with the word “diet” attached was not going to help me in the long-term. I still bought the book in the first place of course. Now a medical professional has actually recommended it, this made me stop and think. I know that doctors aren’t gods and can of course give bad/different advice but I also know that carbs are a problem for me so maybe this approach is worth a try.

My goal to lose 5lbs in the month of October is about to fall short by 4lbs unless I stop eating for the rest of the week and exercise about 3 hours every day (not gonna happen). I also said I would give up alcohol for the month – failed on that count too. Now Christmas is looming on the horizon. I need a proper plan, a strategy.

I need to lose some serious pounds before then not only to offset the quite likely gain that happens around the holidays but just to feel better in my skin and my life. I want to go out at Christmas and not have to face the usual ‘nothing fits me any more’ saga. I want to feel confident. I know how I look doesn’t have to control how I feel but who am I kidding – it does. An important aspect for me is that I also want to see my fitness improve. I’m putting a lot of work into that area but I’m not seeing the rewards because of my over-eating. I’m sabotaging myself and that’s really frustrating.

So the tentative plan for now is:

  • to give up alcohol for November
  • to seriously read more about the South Beach Diet in the next few days and decide whether or not I’m going to do it and do it properly
  • to keep up my exercise levels no matter how I’m feeling about it… it will pay off in the end
  • to hopefully lose 14 lbs before Christmas… I think this is achievable but only if I get my act together and really do it, not just play at doing it.

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