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Archive for the ‘internal struggle’ Category

2013. Wow when did that happen?! Oh ok 25 days ago but you know what I mean right? Time seems to be flying by and I’m not sure how much progress I am making.

In ways I am making loads of progress but the old issues still haunt me. I’m still fat to put it plainly. Fat and pretty unfit. Fatter than I’ve ever been in fact and while I know I am much more than a number on the scale it still bugs the hell out of me. This need for things to change but an inability or unwillingness to actually do anything about it must be the most infuriating thing ever!!!

Therapy is going well. It has made me realise how crazily hard I am on myself in almost every way. It’s also making me accept that change for me needs to be in very small steps or else I get overwhelmed and give up. I want everything to be fixed/better right now. Yesterday in fact. Instead I need to appreciate the teeny, tiny victories I make every day and I do make them but that negative voice inside says “no, not good enough!” It’s time to turn the volume down on that voice but it won’t happen overnight and that’s ok too.

So maybe I’m back blogging. Maybe I’m not. For once I’m making no promises or commitments. Whatever will be will be.

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I haven’t blogged as much as usual lately. I guess I haven’t felt like I’ve had a lot to say or had the time. I still don’t really. I feel like I’m a bit at sea at the moment, paddling aimlessly into an unknown horizon.
I didn’t weigh-in this week. I didn’t want to. On top of this time/events conspired against me and before I knew it weigh-in day had come and gone. So I let it go.
Last week my level of exercise was quite poor and my eating wasn’t much better. I’ve been struggling for a while now. I’ve lost my groove. I wasn’t losing major weight before this but I felt more in control, in a routine, some kind of system. For the last few weeks however I have been floundering…. as the poem says “not waving but drowning”.

I’m sure the darkening evenings have played their part… I’m moody at the best of times never mind when I’m getting up in the dark and leaving work in it again. I’ve got a project that I need to start working on with deadlines fast approaching but I’m procrastinating and that too is bringing me down. I have countless things on my mental to do list and I can’t seem to figure out how to manage my time so that there is balance. So that I can get things done yet look after myself and my marriage too. If I could only have a personal chef, organiser and trainer I’d be just fine. I better get my lottery tickets this week eh!

My thoughts lately turn a lot to how I seem to stand in my own way when it comes to weight loss. I wonder why I am stopping myself? Why am I causing my own unhappiness? I know that low self-esteem/self-confidence is a problem I need to overcome but how ?! I know liking/loving myself is supposed to come first but again how is that achieved. Actually achieved and not just phrases thrown about saying “Believe in yourself”, “Love yourself” etc…. that’s all well and good but how do I actually DO it!?

I can’t answer those questions myself right now… maybe one day I will be able to. For now I’m going to work on the things I can do. I’ve been back to the gym for some running today (1 mile after a few weeks break, very happy with that) and I also attended an exercise class this evening. I’m not going full force into the South Beach diet, for now anyway…. from today however I am cutting out bread, white potatoes, rice, pasta and sugar as much as possible for a week or two. Hopefully this will clear my system and my mind a little. I’m also going to try to break the things I need to get done into smaller tasks and focus on it that way instead of the huge big list that’s in my head. I think computerising my to do list might be of help? Before the random pieces of paper smother me!

I’m sure I’ve probably said everything in this post before – Ground hog day in blog land- but I guess it doesn’t matter how many times I need to restart if it means one day I will get it right.

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Yet again I’m battling internally. So much of my struggle is won and lost in my mind. Today I feel huge. I feel like I’ve definitely gained weight. I feel like I’ve failed myself, again. I feel like I just can’t get this thing under control. I feel like I don’t have a system or a plan. I feel like I’m fooling myself but theorise that if I was fooling myself I wouldn’t be asking myself if I was. My mind is tornado of swirling thoughts and feelings, knocking down any improvements and flattening my self-esteem.

I’m hoping by tomorrow this will pass and I will at least feel a little better, whether the scales show a gain or not.

Having hope is good. It surely means all is not lost.

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