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Archive for the ‘weight gain’ Category

2013. Wow when did that happen?! Oh ok 25 days ago but you know what I mean right? Time seems to be flying by and I’m not sure how much progress I am making.

In ways I am making loads of progress but the old issues still haunt me. I’m still fat to put it plainly. Fat and pretty unfit. Fatter than I’ve ever been in fact and while I know I am much more than a number on the scale it still bugs the hell out of me. This need for things to change but an inability or unwillingness to actually do anything about it must be the most infuriating thing ever!!!

Therapy is going well. It has made me realise how crazily hard I am on myself in almost every way. It’s also making me accept that change for me needs to be in very small steps or else I get overwhelmed and give up. I want everything to be fixed/better right now. Yesterday in fact. Instead I need to appreciate the teeny, tiny victories I make every day and I do make them but that negative voice inside says “no, not good enough!” It’s time to turn the volume down on that voice but it won’t happen overnight and that’s ok too.

So maybe I’m back blogging. Maybe I’m not. For once I’m making no promises or commitments. Whatever will be will be.

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Another bloody week on and guess what I’ve gained just over a lb. I can make no excuses. I quite simply gave in to my whims and ate too much. I did exercise but it just wasn’t enough. It’s not a major gain I know. It’s not then end of the world of course. I am however very annoyed and frustrated with myself for giving in so easily this week. I just couldn’t, no, wouldn’t fight my urges to eat what I cannot eat if I want to lose weight and change this body that yes I’m much happier in but which definitely has room for improvement. Even while writing this I’m thinking about what I might eat next! I want to slap myself. To top this off I will be away for a few days next week/weekend and while there will be lots of walking and sight-seeing involved I can guarantee there will be lots of food and alcohol too!!

I think perhaps the hardest thing is the fear that I haven’t changed at all. That in 1,2,3,4…. years time I will be right back where I started or worse. Lack of faith methinks but how do I restore that ???

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My mum over the last few years has become very interested in psychological things i.e. why we do what we do and are how we are. She struggles with her weight too and though she does drive me around the twist much of the time I know she has my best interests at heart and mainly just doesn’t want me to end up as big as her. Her tendency however to regularly ask “but how do you really feel about that?” can make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck in sheer irritation!! It should be noted she doesn’t always take it well when the question is directed at herself either!

Anyway mother issues aside a big thing of hers a few years back was asking the question “Who owns the problem?”. I guess the point is to figure out what’s going on when we are upset, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. I suppose we often find that how other people act or behave can really makes us mad. In these situations the question “Who owns the problem?” becomes especially relevant. The reality is that frequently we get angry with people for not doing things the way we want and in that situation we are really the one that “owns the problem”. We need to look inside and try to understand why what they are doing bothers us so much. Sometimes in my case it’s just a control issue. A bit like a child I often want things done my way and my way only. When I step back and figure out that I own the problem in that situation I soon realise that letting go/relaxing my need for control will help to solve the problem not to mention create much happier relationships! It’s a much more effective solution than just feeling helpless and angry that this person isn’t doing things as I’d like and being at a loss as to how to make them do it my way!

It occurred to me today that the same theory can be applied to my weight loss and fitness efforts. I find lately that I’m a bit fed up with the “world” making me exercise and eat healthily. I hear myself thinking a little more often “it’s not fair, why can’t I just eat what I want!”. That is a frame of mind I do not want to go back to. So I ask myself “who owns the problem?”. Now I know the obvious answer is me ok but lets expand on that a little. My “problem” is that I want to be a fitter, healthier, happier individual. By truly owning this problem I need to own the exercise, organisation and healthy eating that will allow me to solve my “problem”. I need to own the fact that some sacrifices need to be made because I am only human and cannot do it all. I cannot stay up late watching tv and expect not to feel like crap the next morning getting up to work out before work. I cannot eat crap all weekend and expect to lose weight. I also cannot be perfect either. I guess owning the problem in this case is also about owning the responsilbity and related choices.

So here I am today owning my problem and also owning up to a 1.6 lb weight gain this week. The logical side of me knows it’s not a big deal. The illogical side of me wants to have a good old fashioned temper tantrum. It also seems that my hormones have crept up on me yet again and then jumped from the bushes to whack me over the head with a frying pan! At least I know where all this introspection and general miserableness is partly coming from. What I cannot fathom is how at this point in my life I cannot figure out in good time when my hormones are at play!!

To finish here is another quote I came across this week that made me stop and think.

My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others.That is nice but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success. ~ Helen Hayes (1900-1993, American Actress)

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Weekly weigh-in

My weekly official visit to the scales revealed a 2.6 lbs GAIN !!! I’m actually not overly bothered about it. Naturally I’d prefer if I didn’t see a gain and a loss would be even better again but I’m fairly sure part of it at least is just those usual female/water fluctuations that occur every now and then. Some of it however I do think is self-inflicted as I went on a bit of a baking spree this week trying out one of Roni’s recipes!! Wholewheat chocolate muffins with added protein!!! The lesson I learned however is that no matter how healthy something is you can still eat too much of it!!! At least I put most of the 2nd batch in the freezer (yes I said 2nd batch!!). If that wasn’t bad enough I added peanut butter protein cookies to the baking mayhem and again over-indulged a bit. I thoroughly enjoyed myself though so it was worth it 🙂

Apart from that my exercise has been very good so I just need to get the food on track again and I’m sure I’ll be back into the 180’s next week.

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The muscles in my legs are still sore from my training on Monday. This has to be a good thing right? My only problem is that I am so sore and tired from my Monday morning sessions (of course there has only been 2 so far) that my other forms of exercise are suffering. I’m generally too sore to put in my usual amount of effort. I’m worried as to how this will work out for me. I’m obviously training harder with my personal trainer than I’ve ever done which has to be good and is why I’m sore but if I’m missing other exercise because of it will one just not cancel the other out ?!

Today’s weigh-in shows a gain of 1 lb…. I really, really thought I’d crack the “loss two weeks in a row” goal this week but alas it’s not to be. There is a big possibility that I’m gaining muscle. It’s also possible that there are hormonal factors at play this week. So I’m going to work on keeping my faith in myself and try to improve the areas where I feel/know I’m not giving it my all. It’s difficult though and frustrating but I ain’t giving up.

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Weekly weigh-in

I have GAINED 2.8lbs this week…. yes I have gained what I lost last week and a little bit more. I am so frustrated though I’m pretty sure I deserve this gain. My eating did go slightly wonky this week plus I was very surprised at my loss last week so maybe it was just an anomaly. Who bloody knows. Whatever the reason I’m very, very, very frustrated but trying hard to get past it and remember that it’s just a number. It’s not the end of the world. I can do this. I am doing this. I might be doing it n quick sand but I’m still doing it.

I just feel if I could gather a little momentum it would help so much instead of this backwards, forwards, nausea invoking to-ing and fro-ing. I don’t even know what else to write about it. I feel flat. Defeated. Exhausted. I know I’ll be fine and get over it. I guess I just have to work through the feelings and come out the other side hopefully stronger even though not necessarily thinner.

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Weigh-in update

2 weeks and 1 day on. I am up 1 pound. This doesn’t seem too bad to me considering I was away for a few days of that and while I didn’t snack in between meals too much my eating certainly didn’t fall into the extra healthy category either!

I would have liked to have stayed the same though because I did a good bit of exercise between now and then. I’m happy over all however because a year ago I would have gone away, ate all round me, put on 4, 5, even 6 pounds, felt like crap and used it as an excuse to keep eating until Christmas! Not any more though and hopefully never again.

The Christmas season is indeed upon us however with our office Christmas party happening next week !!! Then there must be at least one if not two things on every week until Christmas that will involve food and alcohol. It will be very hard but if I keep up the exercise, try to keep away from bread and processed crap I should be able to hold my own. I just need to listen to my body and make conscious choices.

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