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I’m guilty….

….of many things (no, I haven’t murdered anyone!). The one thing I’m most guilty of though is being my own harshest critic. It’s second nature to me now. I’ve even become good at pretending I have it under control when really I don’t. I can say and even think all the right things but that other voice inside undoes it all in an instant.

Where is this coming from now? Well I’ve gone back to the hypnotherapy. After the first two sessions I was a little indifferent about it and then life intervened so basically I stopped going whatever excuses I might like to make. I didn’t even know if I wanted to go back but something nagged away at me so I decided to give it another try. I’ve only done one more session so far but I think it was ground breaking for me. I finally acknowledged or it finally came to the fore that I have no idea of who I am and it seems that being overweight, struggling with being over weight, failing to lose weight is all part of my strategy to avoid dealing with the lack of self-identity I have.

That probably seemed a bit confusing. I know it did to me at the time but strangely it also made complete sense too.
Put simply if I lose “the weight!” then I have to face the fact that I don’t know who the hell I am. Sure I know my name, where I live, what I do and that I like cheese for e.g. but I don’t honestly know what I feel about myself, what my defining characteristics are. I could say “I’m intelligent” but a little voice inside will chime “but are you? really? compared to others?” Much of what I say and do and feel is based on what I think others expect me to say and do and feel. I need other people’s approval to feel good about myself. I need other people’s validation to prove myself worthy of … well basically anything. What’s worse I infer things from people’s tone or reactions or often from nothing at all! I decide I’m stupid or ugly or selfish or whatever because I think someone else might think I am and of course they must be right!

I put my hands up, I judge people. I try not to but I do. So others must be judging me too right? Who knows. Really it shouldn’t matter because I should only care what I think about myself (and my loved ones too) but in this I really need to be selfish and put myself first.

So of course I can’t lose weight even though I know EXACTLY what to do because where would that leave me?
Emotionally invisible I think! My “here’s who I am” security blanket would be gone. My strategy for coping would be gone. Isn’t the human mind incredible really. The ways it finds to protect us even though it might not feel like that’s what’s happening.

As of yet I’m not sure how this is resolved. One day, one step, one session at a time I suppose. I do know that I MUST fix this. I need to have a heathly sense of self for my own sake of course but also for my daughter. I will be her primary role model for a long time to come and with all the pressures that will be piled upon her in time, from her peers, the media and society in general I need to give her the best foundation I can.

Quote of the day:

I looked always outside of myself to see what I could make the world give me instead of looking within myself to see what was there ~ Belle Livingstone

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In a word. Nuts. Well that’s how it feels anyway. I’m back to work after almost 11 months of maternity leave and what a shock to my system it has been. In many ways it has been good. More adult conversation and less diaper changing for starters! On the other hand I have gone to spending pretty much 7 days a week with my little rugrat to getting 2 full days with her at the weekends, barely an hour with her in the mornings and maybe two with her in the evenings (when she is getting tired and cranky… great fun!). I can admit now that I broke down and cried one night wondering what the hell I was doing this for. Ok for money but is it really worth it ?! So I’m considering going on a 3 or 4 day week while she is small so that the famous “work-life balance” is a bit more balanced in my case.

I’m probably one of the few mom’s that wasn’t too upset leaving her that first day. For starters she is not a clingy baby AT ALL so far. I swear most of the time she couldn’t care less where I am as long as she has food and her naps! So in a way that helped. I didn’t have to leave a screaming baby. A family member is looking after her too and that makes a huge difference because I know she loves her like her own kids. It causes problems too though cause you can’t be criticising how family do things and I’m a gal that likes things done my way (can we say control issues!?). The hardest part of it all is getting organised. Making sure you have all the stuff you need ready the night before. Remembering to actually bring the stuff you need with you in the morning! Remember to get up in the morning. Then a full day of work and home again to all the childcare stuff, the cooking, the cleaning, the washing…… needless to say the cleaning side of things is suffering and it never had it terribly good in the first place!

In case I didn’t have enough things to deal with I joined weight watchers 3 weeks ago I think. I have lost 2.5 lbs so far. I have not tracked points because right now if I remember to brush my teeth it’s a good day! What about exercise I hear you say ?! Ha !! I’m not sure where I’ll find the time or energy to exercise EVER AGAIN! (mental note: must be more positive.)

I think I have only lost some weight because I simply haven’t had the time to eat as much as usual.

Even with all this I think my mood has picked up a lot since I blogged last. I truly think the less time I have to wallow the better. It’s plain and simple I bring myself down!

However lets state facts shall we.

I am at least 30lbs over weight. Sure I haven’t gained in a while and that’s good but I need to LOSE!!!!
My fitness and energy levels are woeful.
My health is going to suffer because of this eventually.
My confidence still isn’t great but it has been worse.
I am still an emotional eater but I guess I always will be. It’s something I need to learn to manage.
I don’t hate my body. This is an odd one for me. I always thought I did but I don’t really. My body has done amazing things for me really despite all I put it through. Sure there are bits I might change if I could do so magically and without any pain but all in all I’m pretty ok with it. I wouldn’t mind streamlining it a bit of course but that’s not my bodies fault. It’s my minds fault because it can’t get to grips with it’s emotions and then eats to deal with it. So I guess I hate my mind except hate is an awfully strong word. My mind frustrates the hell out of me… is that more accurate. Of course it’s all the one package really isn’t it. I’m giving myself a headache now or maybe my brain is just punishing me for being mean to it.

So anyone that knows me at all knows I like to be organised and have a plan.
For now I’m not going to worry about exercise. Yes it needs to be a factor in my life but I’m just about keeping my head above water with what I have to do for now so once my routine is more settled I’ll see how I can incorporate regular exercise. In the meantime if I do a bit I do. If not I’m not (NOT) going to beat myself up about it.

Now to the good stuff… food. I know weight watchers will work if I track and count and blah, blah, blah. That stuff just wrecks my head!!
I’ll continue going to weigh-ins because I think it will stop me ignoring my weight and expecting it to mystically start decreasing by me changing nothing. As for food well I need to seriously look at my portion sizes. I also need to eat more fruit and veg because not only is it good for me but I can eat lots of it to fill me up. I need to reduce my carbs too because they make me feel like crap and I will almost always overeat them. Now I’m pretty sure I’ve said most if not all of this many times before but maybe that’s what I need to do until it clicks!

Most importantly I’m going to work as hard as I can on being positive. My internal dialogue needs to be honest but supportive. I need to constantly remind myself why I should make the better choices in everything I do. I also need to appreciate the good things I do instead of just focusing on the bad. I have many habits to break in those areas but I can do it. I have to do it.

I’m also giving myself a short term weight loss goal. No harm having something realistic and achievable to focus on so I would like to lose 12lbs between now and Christmas. That’s 1lb a week. Slow and steady and doable if I give myself even half a chance. That would bring me into a new stone and probably get me back into some clothes that aren’t fitting me very well right now.

So who wants to join me? Imagine what we can do together if we just put our minds to it!!

A quote for today:

We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. ~ Marian Wright Edelman

September already !!!!!

I can’t believe it’s September. I can’t believe quite a lot of things really. I go back to work in a few weeks and I’m NOT looking forward to it. I feel like a really bad mother because I’m actually looking forward to some baby free time (really not cut out to be a stay at home mom!) but not looking forward to my job where I feel like a nobody and completely useless. It’s a good job though and I’m lucky to have it so I just gotta grin and bear it. I’m sure I will miss my little rugrat of course (maybe more than I even expect) but today is one of those days when I will be happy that her bedtime has come. See told you – bad mother.

Well enough of that moaning…. in other news I’ve only gone and joined weight watchers!! I’ve been thinking about it for a while but had done nothing about. Then all day yesterday I felt so fat so I just thought screw it, something has to change. I really feel that weight watchers isn’t a long term solution but right now I just need something to get me going and keep me accountable. I’m also off to the gym tonight so fingers crossed the momentum keeps going and I start to see some changes.

So today I’m tracking my food and counting my propoints and to be honest a big part of me HATES it. The same part of me wants to sulk like a bold child that can’t have what she wants or even have a tantrum about it. Of course that because it’s making me face up to what I have been eating and how much. I also can’t just mindlessly eat and forget about it as if it never happened. 😦

So that’s me right now…. how about you? What are you up to these days?

I went on holidays and had a lovely time but holidays with a baby is quite a learning experience.

I’m home now and determined to get back on track with my fitness and healthy eating. I go back to work next month and I’m also beginning the process of stopping breastfeeding. I’m one of the few people that didn’t lose weight by breastfeeding, not that I did it for that reason. Of course if I didn’t over eat I may well have lost weight!!

So basically my life will be returning next month to what is was like pre baby… well except for there being a baby! 🙂 My point here is not just to talk about my little monkey. What I’m trying to get at is that if other areas of my life are returning to “normal” then I want my eating and exercising to return to normal too and I was getting somewhere way back when. I think.

Back to the title of my post however (this is a slightly wandering post eh!).
I’m starting to worry if my feelings of miserableness and anxiousness are more than just the effects of being a new mama. Of course it’s been 8 months now so perhaps new isn’t appropriate any more? I just can’t seem to relax these days. I obsess about what I should and shouldn’t do. Like stopping breastfeeding for e.g.
I get so annoyed with myself for being lazy and defeatist when it comes to exercise and my eating. I just feel like I’m the person in the room dragging everyone else down. I feel like a big fat pain in the ass.

I don’t feel like this every day but it still seems to happen too often and I have no idea how to fix it.
I’m getting back to some organised exercise tomorrow evening which I hope will help and I’m trying to eat better food too. I’ve been to two hypnotherapy sessions before my holidays which were interesting and positive I think but I’m still not sure how much it can do. Plus it’s bloody expensive so I’m thinking about whether I will go back or not.

Not sure what else to write now. Can’t quite focus my mind. Might head off to band back together to share for the first time… it’s something I wrote a while back…. dunno yet though. It’s not terribly intense or whatever. Might not be interesting to anyone.

So I’ve been trying the whole hypnotherapy thing for my overall confidence more so than my eating issues though I’m pretty sure that’s where most of them stem from. I’ve only been for two sessions so far and it’s been interesting. It’s been weird to be honest but extremely relaxing and certainly in some way illuminating. All that being said I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. For one thing it’s bloody expensive and I’m not sure how long it’s supposed to take. As always I want a quick fix but I know that’s not how anything worthwhile works!

It’s hard to go into it too much more right now but my post title will give you an idea of what I’m working on after my 2nd session. This is a mantra for myself. I can say it all together or just each part alone whenever I think of it. It’s kinda kooky but kinda cool too and I most certainly need it.

I think the I love you and Thank you are self explanatory.

The forgiveness is a huge necessity for me because I maintain an endless catalogue of things I have said or done or thought that I regret hugely and for which I feel horrible for. I need to forgive myself and let it go.

The sorry is simply apologising to myself for being so hard on myself and for not treating myself very well sometimes (most of the time!).

I’m off on my hols soon so I won’t be blogging. Apologies for my lack of commenting elsewhere also. I’ve a mountain of blog reading to catch up on. I will be back though so don’t stray too far. 🙂

Up 2lbs this week. Deserved really so not terribly surprised and not caring a huge amount either. Everything is still all over the place and to top it off our beloved little doggy died this week. 😦 Not impressed universe. Not. Impressed.

Week 8 and 9 !!

Apologies for being missing but as well as forgetting to publish a written post (duh!) I also had some family illness stuff happening in the last week which pretty much ate up ALL my time. It turned out to be nothing serious thankfully.

Right back to the business at hand. I didn’t gain or lose last week which was fine. It was about what I deserved. This week I’ve gained 1lb and to be honest I expected more as my eating has been all over the place this week.

So time to get back on the horse methinks. I’ve a new strategy too. I’m going to see a hypnotherapist/NLP practitioner. I think I’m going to concentrate on my self-esteem/confidence though because while I really want to lose the weight I know that it’s my head needs fixing first you know. It’s gonna be pricey which did put me off at first. Then I thought about the money I spend on food and clothes or whatever. That put it into perspective. So who knows if it will work. It might be a complete disaster but have no fear I will keep you posted on all the developments, good and bad!